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2004-05-12T10:42:00.000-07:00

haha...i know, it's been a while...a long while eh? i'm sorry.

so, how's everyone doing? i'm sure no one even checks this page anymore. in fact, i sort of forgot that it was still here.

well, i find myself at work, with not much to do. career-wise, i'm just chilling and not doing much to advance...just trying to get by without anyone being the wiser. i've recently purchase a home of my own. it's been nice to have a place of my own. i have a roommate as well, so it's good that there's someone there to help me take care of things when i'm gone. plus she's a good friend and i trust her and i know she won't have any crazy orgies or satanic rituals in my absence. that's why i love mollie.

lately, things have been feeling really circular...routine. i've noticed that around the same time i think the same thoughts, have the same emotions, question the same questions....you think it's hormonal? i dunno...perhaps...but regardless i still have these thoughts. i feel scared to change things in my life...i've come so far to get to this point...am i ready to do things to change it? take my job for instance. i've been working here as a corporate slut for 3 years +, it's the first job i took since i got out of college...i know people here, i know the work, i know what's expected of me. am i ready to turn all of that in and venture out of this place? to do something different? expose myself willingly to strangers? what if they don't want me? what if i hate it? what if THIS is what i'm suppose to do and where i'm suppose to be?

i think another thing is ...i have no vision for my future. sure i want to get married, have a kid or two, have a family...etc. etc. but...sometimes, i think...what if none of that happens? i mean...i could see that happening too. i don't necassarily think it's bad if it doesn't happen. it's just a circumstance of my life to deal with. i mean..if it does happen..sure it'll be nice...but if it doesn't...i don't want to be disappointed.

sometimes i thrive and want change....but sometimes, i am content to stay in what i know. but i think that change is the only way i can grow...all the big events in my life that have caused me to "advance" were great moments of change.

maybe it's time for some?

2003-11-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

i was driving from the aiport to work on the 880 N...i mean i was driving on 880 N (i know there's people out there that are anal about that shit...terry...). and i was kinda out of it cause this dude on the airplane talked to me the WHOLE time...from 6:15 to 8:30. yo, monday morning plane time = sleep time. sigh.

anyway. i was driving and i saw this huge 18 wheeler and it had all these huge crates on it. each one was strapped down to the truck and each one had "DIANA" painted on it with large black block letters. you could imagine my surprise and delight at this sight. i mean, what could the boxes be storing? is it multiple large gifts for me being delivered by a secret admirer? perhaps it was storing a bunch of robots that look like me, talk like me, walk like me....and the guy was delivering it to the DIANA factory. it would be the hotest toy this holiday season, giving the tickle me elmo a run for its money. my mind went wild. i was tempted to roll down the window and yell out at the driver and ask him what was in the box. but i thought against it....my unsafe actions could cause a huge accident on 880 and everyone would be in disadvantage for my curiosity. so i sped away with questions unanswered.....i wonder what was in those boxes?

things have been well. i've been taking each day for what it's worth...if that means anything. just chillin', not really letting anything bother me too much. you know...in the long run. it doesn't really matter. my present state of mind is kinda this strange sense of contentness....i can feel things around me changing. people are changing, my perception of people are changing...what they mean to me are changing. i mean it's ok...it's inevitable growth....but it's weird to see things drifting away and my connections to people rebraiding itself into a different kind of pattern. it's not bad...just different. lately, i've seen some really good friends...in a different light. their priorities have changed.....their desires are different. it's ok....it's progression.

i think that i'm content, to some respects. more than ever i want to finally get my house (er condo er whatever i end up being able to afford). a place i can call my own. where i can put things where i want, where i can live how i want....i always thought that i would do this with someone in my life. start from something small and build it into something that we created together. a place to call home. though i guess either way ...doing it with someone, and on my own will be something satisfying and meaningful. i'll be doing it on my own....it's ok though. i'm kinda scared a little nervous....no one there to support me if i fail. no back up plan. but it's ok...i think i can handle it. in the end...it's just me anyway.

2003-10-28T09:13:00.000-08:00

yesterday started off pretty badly. i was uncontrollably sad for no reason. there wasn't anything in particular that was bothering me....or maybe it was everything. i dunno. in any case....in the evening i ended up going out and buying my halloween costume. :) i'm excited about it. it's been a while since i had a halloween costume. really dressed up and went out and had some fun. i think the last time was probablly in high school. so i'm pretty excited about friday night. plus it's going to be my last weekend in the bay area before taking off for another project. no word yet on where i'm going. but we'll see.

2003-10-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

i started my day in toy r us.... :) and you know what? i really don't want to grow up....

my neice jennifer had a birthday party today. i had to get some presents. since she's turning 4, i thought that it would be a great time to get her some board games....you know the classics...memory, candy land. :) god i love that shit. i remember planning those games when i was a kid.

the birthday party was great. it was a halloween theme, since we are getting close to the holiday. all the kids were dressed up in costumes running around and playing. it was really adorable. jennifer was a dragon from dragon tales...the pink one. since i'm totally out of the loop on kids shows these days, i can't tell you the name of the dragon. lindsay, her sister, was a furry little dog. my nephew, joshua, turned up as a little pumpkin. oh...and i have a new little nephew, just born a month ago. jonathon, my cousin's latest, was pumpkin number two. i watched the kids play and run around everywhere. i try to think back on the days when i was that small. it's hard to remember. i use to have a crazy imagination. i miss that. i could turn the tiles on the pool into buttons of a submarine. the coffee table would be my check out stand at the market. i would play for hours...i was watching the kids today...and realized how much things have changed.

i spent the rest of the day reading a book i picked up at toys r us. that's right...toys r us :) so while i was browsing for candy land...and memory....a book caught my eye. i was kinda confused why a novel like book was at toys r us. i figured it was one of those 'young adult' books. like for 8th graders or something...jr high kids. in any case, i picked it up, read the first sentence, and decided it would be some guilty pleasure reading. it turned out to be the best thing i've read in a long time. if you are looking for a quick read...check it out. flippped by wendelin van draanen.

i don't why i like it so much. i feel like there so much of it that speaks to me right now. i guess it's kinda stupid to think that a book written for jr high kids can speak to someone that's 25. maybe i'm just immature, maybe i just haven't grown up. i dunno...but for some reason...i really identified with it. i'd rather not go into how...here...since i don't really know you that well and really having such an intimate conversation in such a public setting is so awkward and weird. if you really would like to know...then by all means..ask me :) we can talk over it one day while we have some lunch...

so....my "no alchohol" trip has been working. i opted out of drinking in 4 separate occassions where alchohol was offered to me. i feel like i can think more straightly....no more haze. i dunno if it was just my time to start thinking straightly or if the lack of alchohol is a factor. i don't think it is...but...i dunno....things just seem more clear now. i feel less bogged down by life...by emotion....by whatever...and somehow less fearful of the unknown. i'm going to be rolling off of my current project at work. i've been traveling to the bay area now for the last 2.5 years. at first i was really adamant about staying there. i'd do anything to just stay there. to keep the routine...to have that safety there....that comfort zone. but now as i think about it...i don't really care. whatever happens...happens. i think it would be fun to go somehwere else for a change. change...i've always been afraid of it....scared to move on and away from what is comfortable....for some strange reason....i kinda want it now. i also realized something in the past few days....something that i was too stubborn to really admit...but finally understand. and that my friends...makes for good living.

there have been massive brush fires near our house lately. i woke up this morning with a strange orange hue coming through the blinds. a brownish haze covered the sky and filtered out the sunlight so that everything looked like an old faded photo from the old west. the sun was a brillant orange circle that hung in the brown sky. it was like a different world. small white and black flakes rained down and speckled everything in our backyard.

it was defiently an intresting day....

2003-10-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

i spent the weekend in vegas for quyen's bday. needless to say, it was a great time. i'm sticking to the "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas" rule...but...really not too terribly controversial happend. and really...i only kinda remember 40% of the weekend. highlights and lessons learned on the trip:

- don't stand/sit next to ht when ucla wins a game
- just cause there's 14 secs left in a game and ucla is up by 8 points....doesn't mean it's in the bag
- 151 doesn't smell good when you are hung over
- maybe eating breakfast for every meal isn't the best idea
- makali caulkin makes 15 dollar bets
- if you what to know how to get kicked out of c2k (vegas 2k1) or rum jungle (vegas 2k3) i can tell you
- dido is actually really good and not just lame chick music
- castle bugers are not that great (no matter how cheap they are)
- no more vietnamese ice coffee

all in all...it was a good trip. despite what happend, i am just greatful that i have very loyal and caring friends that i can trust my life with. so happy birthday quyen.... welcome to the mid-20s.... hehe

in any case, we listened to the new dido cd all weekend. it's actually really good. i'm not really into that kinda music....like female artists and senstive music. but the white flag song really hit me....she has a way of singing of very complicated and often sad emotions and situations, but her voice is so sweet and charming that it sounds like something beautiful. in any case...i bought her cd today. i'm really enjoying it. it reminds me of my poetry...but only much better :)

2003-10-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

she fell asleep a bit ago
curled up out of site
no one saw her sleeping
as they walked past her in the night
she laid there small and silent
as the cold air touched her skin
but she didn't feel breeze of evening
slowly creeping in
the world went on without her
no one stopped or wondered why
this small girl was sleeping
despite the rise of morning's light

but she laid there dreaming
of what her world could be
a dream of love and lovers
that she could only see
a place were she lived forever
and she and he would be
a place where things stayed constant
away from reality

outside the world changed in slendor
as each day the skies changed hues
people learned and flowers bloomed
and children even grew
waves crashed and shaped the beaches
and artists crafted pain
lovers found each other
and sometimes parted ways
a thousand lands existed
and travelers found their way
as memories where created
and thought upon in later days

but still she laid there dreaming
of something in her mind
a few conjured images
kept her left behind

2003-10-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

wow...it's been a long time. i feel like if i start blogging it'll be because i have alternative motives....not because i really want to....but because i want a certain person to read it. it's lame i know.

i mean seriously, what does it matter? who really reads this...and whoever does read it...do you even care? yeah i didn't think so. i mean i think a blog is cool...if you are like rich and famous or something. but i'm just me...i go through my life making bad choices and not really accomplishing anything. i've always been like this..and i doubt anything is going to change me. i was reading some old emails to a friend today...and reread some past blogs. i use to be extremely open with my feelings and emotions. i know in the past few months, i've been very cautious of being emotional. i think it's because i get punished for it some how....i get told not to be so emotional. so then i change to hold back what i feel and not talk about it. to not be honest with my emotions. but in the end that doesn't work either...because then things get held back and not talked about until finally things are so out of control that i don't even know where it all started and when it all ended. maybe i'm using this blog to begin expressing my emotions and feelings once again. it'll be good...cause it's not directed to a particular person, but just in general. it'll allow me to find my voice once again and show me how to use it.

ALOT has happend since last i blogged. i lived it and i don't really want to relive it again here.

i turned 25. that was depressing and hard to deal with. many people gave me little tid bits of advice...."you're still young"...."you need to start thinking about the future"...."you shouldn't waste your time on things that aren't part of your future"....blah blah blah blah....i'm not too excited about this new age. if you guys are readers of this blog...or if you just know me really well, you know my theory....the odd years are the worst. and this my friends...is no exception. 25 hasn't been filled with the most stellar of experiences yet. hopefully things will change for the better and soon.

anyway...i took some time out today to do a little writing. i hope you like it.

i tried to hold a dying dove
tired to make it mine
i held it in my hands so tight
and kept it warm at night
i fed it seeds and watched it drink
and hoped he'd soar and fly
then i could say with adoring pride
it was my love that gave it flight
my life would then have meaning
as i willed death to be alive
and forever this dove would love me
because together we lived one life

2003-09-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

dude. did they drop me?

2003-05-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since my last post. i guess i haven't been in tune with things lately, at least not enough to divulge things publicly. i hope everyone had a wonderful memorial day weekend.

these days i feel like i'm loosing touch with things that i've been acustom to. familiar faces, familiar interactions with people i know....familiar pain...familiar feelings. one day you wake up and you realize that things aren't the same anymore. things don't feel the same, you don't see the same way, you don't feel like the same person any longer. is it that you've changed? or is it that everyone else around you has changed? maybe things haven't changed at all...even though you thought they did. and all this disjointed feeling is the result of illusions of self-change....maybe i'm just babbling...as i usually do about complete non-sense.

i really tried to stop it. i really tried to wake up from this weird sleep that i've been in. to pinch myself..to yank myself from the haze of the dream that i've been living for too long. i think i slipped back into it again. it's weird. you know when you wake up from a dream. at first you remember it so vividly. you remember how you felt...who said what, who was there, what you did. however, the inevitablity of Awake begins. the day begins. and as reality emerses you in its arms...you loose all that. all that recognition. soon you forget how it felt, what it was. and then when you are standing in line at the store buying a magazine....something small triggers a memory....a feeling. and you recall bits and pieces....and a little something from the night rushes into you. and suddenly you fill up with that little lingering emotion that you felt in your dream. it revisits you in your awakeness and teases you with coming back to that place where you and it once were. together. can it ever be regained? should it? perhaps it was something special that can never be reclaimed. something that belongs in the past only to be preserved in its perfection with emotion and memory. maybe it's just a pre-view for a greatness that has yet to be attained. something that was cut short.

i was teased back to these thoughts this weekend. my mind went wild with going back to revisit something that i've unsucessfully attempted to leave behind. is it healthy to think this way? to scope out what is not understandable that i have no control over? to dwell on things that have nothing to do with me? to indulge myself in these selfish thoughts? or maybe it's just that these things were always somewhere deep down....being restrained by my "self-control"....being subdued by what i should do ...and what i should feel. maybe i just let them come out and play for the weekend. like a binge right before a purge. but somehow...they never seem to purge themselves from me. or perhaps i refuse to purge myself from them.

2003-04-28T13:01:00.000-07:00

i spent the weekend in the bay area...it was fucking awesome. to back (that thang) up a bit...i've been in bit of an anti-social mood lately. i find myself in these strange reclusive moods on the weekends. i just want to sit alone, and read or go to the beach and take a walk alone...or something. i've been doing that alot lately. i'm not sure if it's because of the lack of company...or just cause of the current state of mood that i'm in....or a combo of both. i did notice something though...i really like the bay area. i spent my weekend with a large variety of friends that i have here. there's no drama here...well less than down south. it's nice...people get along with each other pretty well (outside of the few specific instances)...but things are pretty laid back and cool. everyone's always down to hang out and spend time with each other.

i started my friday out in the mission at cha cha cha's to wish a coworker, kayvon, a happy birthday. needless to say, by the time i got there, he was already pretty inebriated....that's ok though, cause after a few glasses of sangria and a shot or two (?) of surfer, i wasn't far behind. fried plantanias with black beans...oh my god...so gooooood...thank you dred lock waiteress girl. later on, we cruised over to menlo park and hit up some funky corporate hang out 70's music playing bar called British Banker's Club (yeah..i know). it turned out pretty fun though...despite the fact that the music sucked...and in addition to the fact that i kinda don't remember much that happend there. i vaguely remember denny's? lucky? oh and playing the naked booby pairing game.

saturday i woke up on terry's couch in my coat. apparently i was totally assed out on his couch after terry and stacy brought me home....thank you for not leaving me in the streets of menlo park :) i hit up with A's game with with stacy, terry, and supreme A's number one super fan Kevin Lee (who also owns a bike). it was really fun. we ended up playing big 2 all game and playing the "home run game". the home run game is fun and highly recommended to keep the game intresting amoung the group you are with...rules are simple. there are 18 pieces of paper numbered 1-9 with one set belonging to the home team and one set belonging to the visiting team. this represents the batting line up for each team. members randomly pick until everyone picks an even number (so in our case, it was 4 R2). then if one of your players that you selected makes a homerun, you collect $2 from everyone playing. if he makes an error, you give $1 to everyone playing. thanks to A's first baseman hatteberg who missed a line drive off the first base line (idiot), i'm down 3 bucks. it ended up being a beautiful day in the bay area and a great day to stand in line at fricking 10:30 for a 1:00pm game (what bobble-heads make people do)....hehe..jk...i had a great time at the game. at night, i met up with some old friends from my chevron project and went to a dinner party at my friend muffie's house. it was pretty cool...most of the people there were lesbians, which proved to be an intresting night of meeting new people with different prespectives on life.

sunday, i ended up having dim sum in the city with stacy and dion and meeting up with a few friends at stanford. then met up wtih nate to watch some tv and dinner wiht everyone in palo alto...nate and i ended up renting xXx...so fucking dumb. i highly do not recommend. :)

the moral of the story....this weekend made me feel happy. it's been a long time since i felt happy. or that i had a good weekend. so thanks for everyone for coming out and spending time with me. hopefully, i will come out of my hermit shell and we'll hook it up again.

2003-03-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

i went to the beach today. it was one of those beautiful days in socal that made me remember why i love this place so much. i've been feeling pretty empty lately...not really empty..but more like...just going through the motions....everyday life is pretty boring. nothing much to look forward to, nothing much to work toward. so today, i got in my car, with all intentions to go to the gym. but i ended up just driving...and i past the gym, then kept going west, until i finally couldn't drive anymore. then i got out of the car and grabed my towel and just laid down in the sand. it was about 4:00....the sun was mid sky, hanging there casting an orange hue over everything. nearby, kids were running around playing in the sand. boyfriends were walking down the beach hand and hand with girlfriends. people were laughing, families were talking, surfers were nearby surfing. it was good to be a part of it. i went in the water..the fucking freeze your nipples and other extrenities off water (how i miss cancun). but regardless....it was nice to just be alone and reflect on a beautiful day. i soaked in the sun and i watched the people around me. sometimes i wish i had someone to share all this with. i mean it would be nice....but i guess it's just not meant to be....it's never really meant for me to be with someone. you know how some people are just couple people. they make a pair complete...they've always had someone, another person to be with. i'm not that person...i'm not a couple person. i try...i have oppurtunities to, but...it never really works out. this leads me to think that i'm not a couple person. that it just wasnt' meant for me. so it's nice to just be with myself....with the only person i can count on...the only person that will never leave me. so spending time with myself is good....i can get to know myself, to understand who i am, how i think, what i want and what i can do to get it. so days like this are becoming more frequent in my life....it's not bad, it's something that i've learned and something i've become accustom to.

2003-03-30T13:06:00.000-08:00

"the greatest thing you'll ever do, is to love and be loved too..."

2003-03-23T17:23:00.000-08:00

the weekend is over. there was to much thinking this weekend. too much quiet time alone with my mind. too much analyzing, imagining....too much thinking back, thinking presently, thinking on what ifs and what went wrong and what went right. i couldn't stop myself this weekend. didn't know what caused all of this thought...what made me think of all these things. it's like a constant prison that i create for myself. i make myself think on unplesantness...and then the physical pain comes. it starts as a little twang in my chest. and it spreads...and i feel it...i make myself feel it. even though it hurts, it helps me. it reminds me that these issues still bother me and still live somewhere inside of me...and they still effect me. no matter what i say to others, what i try to protray to the outside world...i still feel all fucked up inside.

2003-03-22T14:13:00.000-08:00

i went out with my friend greg last night. hit up the "hot spots" of oc...mainly irvine...yeah yeah i know, but come on...i live in orange county ...give me a break. so we went to this bar last night. i went outside to call my friend leon, as he was going to join us later that evening. as i was standing there waiting for leon to come, this guy who looks like he defiently played some sort of defensive linebacker highschool football comes up to me. he starts talking to me about how he's in the army and he's "going to iraq next week". then he starts telling me how he "sees multiple people at one time" and then askes me if i too "see multiple people at one time." just as things were going the terribly wrong and embarrasing way (at least for him) leon walked up...and the dude took off. thank god for leon.

a few thoughts on this topic: what the fuck was that all about? i think the dude was watching too many war movies....maybe he had some weird asian prositute fanatasies or something. or the whole idea of getting laid right before taking off for war.... maybe he just made all that up...if so, shaddy man...shaddy. in any case...stop watching "pearl harbor" dude...cause that shit don't work with me.

what's the deal man, why do i attract these guys? why is it that i'm always getting hit on by these fucked up freaks? where are all the nice guys? i'm ready for the no-drama, no baggage, normal bf/gf, hold hands happy, long term guy.....i don't think there's too many of those out there.

a tangent topic: if you are a stripper and you want to get some mad tips, find the nice girl that's hanging out with her guy friends at the strip club and tell her that you think she's pretty. you'll be rolling in bills....trust me.

2003-03-21T18:32:00.000-08:00

i'm experimenting...bare with me..

i always do things that i shouldn't. things that don't help me progress through life. why do i constantly initate these choices in my life that just are plain bad ideas?

2003-03-18T09:33:00.000-08:00

hilarious beyond belief

2003-03-17T21:00:00.000-08:00

You've had your moments in my history. Goodbye now

so much easier said then done. so much easier.

2003-03-16T21:08:00.000-08:00

p3numbra: i'd let myself be married by america
di27di: haha
di27di: me too
p3numbra: how about fucked by america?

tomorrow, lots of people are goign to get fucked by america.

2003-03-16T15:42:00.000-08:00

don't you miss college?

GxDxxfxx: I'm on spring break
GxDxxfxx: and I've never been more a slob
GxDxxfxx: than I am now
GxDxxfxx: i'm staying up past midnight and drinking soda, masturbating with hand lotion, and only brushing my teeth once a day

2003-03-16T12:33:00.000-08:00

ok... my post is gone.

it was a pretty revealing post. maybe it's forces telling me not to post what i wrote. that it really is a moot point and needs to not be discussed. who knows. but you know me...i'm not going to listen to what i "should" do...so here it goes.

last night i saw for the first time in probablly a year a former friend of mine. former because i guess we had a "falling out". i hate that term..."falling out". it's so dramatic. it sounds like confrontation, heated words were exchanged, and fists were thrown over some sore of heartaching, undisputable reasons. however, this "falling out" was not any of the sorts...if it is a "falling out" it's weird though....being in the same group with someone and completely ignore each others existance. especailly someone that for 5 years you confided in and talked to practically everyday for hours. i really wanted to walk up and say hello, but i knew it was useless effort to do so. so why do it? sometimes i have morbid, self-indulgent thoughts. if i was lying on my death bed...on tetering on the fine edges of mortality...would he come and see me? would the misunderstanding and the each other's stubborness go out the door? if he was in the same situation, would i go see him? would he even want to see me? who knows...i know these are stupid thoughts and really immature..but i can't help but think about it. but then again, my perverce mind thinks that everytime i lift off, the plane is going to blow up and end it all...and some how ...it's a contenting feeling. sick huh?

i any case, sometimes its a ashame that things have come so far that there isn't a way back.

2003-03-16T12:11:00.000-08:00

wholly fuck...fucking blogger....piece of shit little crapy shit.

2003-03-12T19:41:00.000-08:00

it's intresting...i climbed out of that slump. i opened my eyes and i saw the sun shinning down on things again. i looked out at the world and the world looked back. weird man. where was all of this two months ago?

i think i found that spark of exhileration that comes with singlehood again. you know..when you start meeting new people and start getting back into things and stuff. when you realize that people might actually like you. it's weird. and in a way kinda exciting.

things haven't been bothering much lately. the last few days, i've been feeling pretty good (well not pretty good) about work. well at least feeling like i have a good handle of it all. i'm looking forward to friday though. friday may be the solution to many a troubling thought that cross my mind. but then again...i'm ok with it not being the be all answer to all my problems. somehow...i think i'm content.

well not content....but ok.

2003-03-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

married by america:

"are you ready to meet your bride...after this message from our sponsers"

yeah...this show is craziness. it's taking what asian cultures have known for fucking eons and manpulating it to some weird prime time show. like this is some sort of new novelty. please white people get wid it. basically someone agrees to get married without knowing or seeing who they are going to get married to. then all these people including, yes you too america, can vote on who should marry said person. then the two people propose and accept marriage to each other over an opaquish screen. and then they apparently go on this 5-week "adventure" where they "get to know each other" (fuck) and then they get married. see if this was really authentic asia it would be no seeing each other, no engagement and right to the bedroom. see white people that is how to do it. the "engagement" crap just allows for some free-will...now that's not fun is it?

in all honesty....it seriously isn't a bad idea. especially since the guys on the show are hot as hell. but really...i don't think i would might taking all the mind work out of all this dating and relationship crap. there's too much effort involved...will it work...won't it work...do i want it to work...does he want it to work.. i mean if you go into it knowing that it has to work, cause if it doesn't it's going to be a long 70 years if it doesn't work.... i think things would be a lot simpler. like if it starts off shitty...there's no place to go but up right? i mean..why waste your time on starting and ending relationships...it only wastes time and things are all sad and depressing. and really, friends and family know you the best. how many times have i not listened to my friends' good advice cause i was blinded by my own stupid emotion? seriously, i think i would do it. well not now since i still have "the hope". plus i'm only 24 and really...i have my whole life ahead of me (daily positive thought #127). and you know there's still plenty of fish in the sea (daily positive thought #266) and i have some much to offer (dpt #18). so see "the hope" though weak in power...is still there :)

2003-03-10T19:22:00.000-08:00

the ball is rolling...rolling along...and i have caught me a ride on it. :)

2003-03-09T19:28:00.000-08:00

to continue on that last thought....i went to target today near my house to buy some stuff. as i was checking out and paying, i walked by a cashier that looked pretty familiar. so i said hi and smiled...but not really knowing where i knew the guy from. on my way out, i realized where i knew him from...high school. continuing thought of the day...i need to get out of here.

2003-03-09T12:20:00.000-08:00

the food network. this is what is leading to america becoming so obese that it changes the rotation and tilt of the planet until finally one day we fall into an obrital pattern that crashes us into the sun where all of our fat is burned into a grotesque crisp much like the stuff that you see on the grill after a summer bbq. with that thought...let me launch into something completely different. friday night i drove in 2 hours of southern california traffic...oh yes...love fucking southern california....to end up at my friend's apt in studio city (bling bling) for dinner. afterwards we went out to a comedy club presumptiously named the "haha club". fred and i (token asians) and linnea and dave (token white folk) sat up in the very front. in any case, we were picked on alot. well i think dave was the most. i think the best was..."dude, this guy looks like an undercover kkk". haha...though i never really thought about it..it's kinda true...yet knowing dave, he's the farthest thing from it. in any case, some observations from the night:

1) comedy clubs are shit holes
2) everyone and thier uncle remus are either struggling actors/comedians
3) please welcome the next comedian ..he's the guy that played the brother of the cop of the mom in that one movie
4) white people percieve a male and a female as dating just cause 1) you are the same race and 2) you are sitting next to each other.
5) if you are going to make fun of asian people, think of something else to make fun of them of instead of calling them dog-eaters and bad drivers mother fucker.
6) masturbating and prison jokes are hot on the comedy circut.

but honestly, it takes alot of balls to get up in front of 30 people and trying to make them laugh. more power to you. and if you are one of those post-11pm shitty comedians just just plain suck and choke on your own suckage (visualize any image?) ...then even more power to you...please...i implore you...get some power.

so yesterday i woke up and started revamping the resume. i'm pretty happy with it now. spent the rest of the day sending them out to various companies. but i noticied something very odd last night was i was driving from my house up to torrance for dinner. as i was driving on the 405 i saw about 6 companies from like irvine center drive to bristol that i submitted my resume to. weird huh? homegrown i guess. i was actually thinking about something the other day though. even though i have a urge to stay here safe and sound in southern california, i have a strange urge to just pick up and leave. to go to some different state or place..where i don't know anyone...and i just find some random job and just some random place to live and just be for a while. how would i make friends...would i make friends? i think it would be more of an experiment on myself than anything else. to push my limits and my comfort zones. i think it would be intresting. don't know if i would really do it..and where would i go? who knows. like everything..it's just going to be a thought that evetually dies. cause really, i'm too dependent on people and scared shittless of being alone to do anything like that. even though i really want to.

ok another topic that's been on my mind lately...well...not lately, it's always been on my mind. it's just a question that has always pervaded my mind. how come ...aw forget it..i know that it a question that will never be answered.

2003-03-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

It's lame when you know that in certain situations the past shouldn't matter anymore, and that it's the present and the future that really matter. but the weird things is...they do matter. or maybe it's just that..i let them matter when really they shouldn't. even though i constantly try to distract myself with other things to keep my mind occupied, it always strays back to these things. last time this happend, i took some drastic actions to change things. did things to numb the feeling...to force me to think about other things. the mind can only hold so much thought...why not over stimulate it with something else, so everything else gets dumped out? that's what i did before. it worked, but i think in the long run it didn't help much. and really i can't revert to childish behavior everytime i don't want to deal with an issue. i always do this..i try to focus on something else to pretend that other things don't bother me. but really, that shouldn't be the way i do things...it's just the way i have always done things. how are you suppose to do it? face the problem? what does that solve...especially for a problem that has no solution?

2003-03-02T17:05:00.000-08:00

i went to the gym today, and i was in the pool when this middle aged, hair-endowed man emerged out of the steam room. he was all wet and sweaty and on his face there was this huge patch of black. at first, i thought he was inflicted with the poor misfortune of having a really unfortunate birth mark that went from his hairline down to his chin. i didn't want to stare, cause let's face it...it's not nice to stare at the freaks (ok i'm going to hell for that last comment). but under closer examination, i noticed that the mark was kinda moving and dynamic. but wait, birthmarks don't move around. right...so it turns out that it was black dye that was bleeding from his hair. hmmm...intresting huh? i don't have much more commentary on this subject as i don't really know why i brought it up. i kinda feel bad for bringing it up, but dude, let's face it...nothing terribly exciting has been happening to me lately and i'm working with NOTHING here people. give me a break.

2003-03-02T16:59:00.000-08:00

wholly crap...

it's weird what you can find on the web. i was surfing asianfetish.com (calm down horn balls...it's a web page featuring aa creativity). anyway..i found a few of my poems on there. they are pretty old, but still they are there. check it out... unfortunately they spelled my name wrong and "untitled 1" is actually 2 separate poems.

how weird man. something that i write up in the middle of the night over brooding emotional thought, ends up on some webpage. trippy man.

in any case, here's another one that i "whipped" up a while ago under said circumstances. it's a bit revealing, but really...sometimes you gotta put that shit out there to really let it go. ya know? well, the road to "recovery" has pretty much come and gone. but sometimes, its good to think back on what got you here.

in anycase...a forewarning: you might have to vomit after reading this.

if i were you and you were me
how strangely odd things would be.
you'd live here and see the things
my thoughts and emotions and what they mean.
i'd be you and soon i'd learn
how your life has come this turn.
in my skin you may feel it too
the tears that come when i think of you.
you'd peer inside my mind of thoughts
things i should have said but instead i caught.
and finally i would get to see
how you really feel towards me.
but i am only within me
and through these eyes i only see.
when i am alone i think of things
of how things happen and what they mean.
why did it happen when both we knew
that it was just going to end so soon?
it's hard for me to let things go
i shared a side i don't usually show.
days pass by and life goes on
and soon that special bond will be gone.
i wrote this poem just for you
to tell you things i'm sure you knew.
why is it that i hold on?
and thing of things that have past and gone?
why does my heart still ache?
how much longer will it take?
you always handle it so well
if your sad, i can hardly tell.
maybe that's what i want to see
how'd it feel not to be me.

2003-02-28T19:30:00.000-08:00

i went to get my hair done today. those who know me...know that it takes me like 10 mins to get ready in the morning. because i usually don't put much effort into it. especially lately with the whole sadness trip, i really don't give a shit about how i look. but today, i've decided to be pretty again....weird huh? and i swear, i'm going to not be lazy and really really try to keep myself pretty. cause boys and girls, i can't even think about spinning game until i can think i can. does that make any sense?

2003-02-20T19:20:00.000-08:00

so for some weird reason, i've been in a really good mood lately. what's the deal man? big things seem little to me, small things seem insignificant. i have three theories:

1) i've hit this wall..where it just all doesn't matter anymore. hope is all lost and i mind as well enjoy/make light of the situation...ie..i've lost it and i can't find it no more yo...
2) i've thought through and made a plan to improve things and make to make myself happy and dude...get this..i've even started taking steps to making it happen. how fucking crazy is that? this would mean that i do in fact have hope for a better, brighter future (bright, bright, sun-shiney day)....and that yes folks, even dumpling can find everlasting happiness one day.
3) i've been taking some really really good drugs and damn they work FINE.

so what's the deal man? what's going on? even work is tolerable. did i go to some hypontist in my sleep and get tricked into thinking that i'm enjoying work and life? like in office space...did someone make me think that i've been fishing all day instead of being at work? if so...where are all the damn fish people? who ate them?

it's weird man...i have this renewed sense of energy and some twisted sense that it's not so bad. how weird is that huh?

hmm...any stories to tell? yesterday i stayed "home". and when i say "home" i mean..."hotel". but at least i got to stay in and sleep...and fuck around and read and watch tv and drink oj adn eat oreos and chicken pitas from jack in the box and talk on the phone. it was because i was really sick. dude...i was pretty bad the other night. got a fever, sore throat and nausea all at once. i'm still not all together here...but hell...when am i anyway.

2003-02-16T20:03:00.000-08:00

yep yep ...notorious d.u.m.p.ling in effect ready to school you fools....

haha...jk...yeah it's been a while...call it a "sabatical". yeah yeah..things haven't been all roses and rainbows lately...but you know....life is life and such is life. ya know? in any case, i think i'm ready to face the world again and live life ..or at least something like it. so how shall be begin?

well...did some soul searching this weekend. had a pretty emotional episode on friday afternoon with my parents. i guess i should rewind things for the folks at home. 2k3 has been pretty rocky...hell the end of 2k2 wasn't all that peaches and creams either. it's not like anyone's after me, or anything...it's just ...internally things have been difficult to deal with. let's see...to list it out in no particular order: not happy with the path of my professional career, realizing that the professional path i did choose is not the correct one, not really knowing what i want to do professionally for the rest of my life, and dealing with an ending relationship. i think that about sums up most of it. there are probablly other factors that are in effect right now, but i can't really pin point them. these are the big hitters and pretty much overshadow most everything. any person within a 5 miles radius of me could tell lately that i've been pretty depressed lately. it's been pretty bad. in any case, i took my parents out to sushi on friday, and for some reason, the topic of converasation came up about my mood lately. over the past few weeks they've approached me several times about it, asking me what was wrong...etc. i don't know one thing kinda lead to another and i ended up in the middle of the damn sushi place in tears talking about things that have been bothering me lately...mainly professionally. it was the first time i cried in front of my parents in ages...probablly since i was in 6th grade. i just feel weird. but they were pretty supportive for the most part and were geniunely concerned for me and my well-being. i felt even worse telling them all this stuff that was bothering me and making them worry even more about me...but i think it was good to talk with them through my problems. it's weird...i never really go to them when i need to make a decison. i probablly haven't really done so since i was in high school. it was a pretty surreal thing. my brother and sister-in-law just had a baby. joshua is so small...he can't talk...and the only way he can communicate his pain/uncomfort is by crying. i use to be like that...i guess everyone once was....but we change and we become these people that can't communicate their emotions and their needs anymore. i guess it isn't so easy anymore.

i went to the buddahist temple on saturday. outside of funerals and anniversaries of funerals, i've been a total of 2 times to the temple. my mom insisted that we go....that going would be better for our whole family and that somehow, things would get better for me. i'm not one for relgion. i had a very non-religious up-bringing. anything having to do with buddahist rituals/tradition was more cultural observances rather than for faith. i personally do not hold any beliefs in god/supreme beings, but everything i've done with buddahism, i've done out of respect for my family (mainly my grandmother) and the cultural traditions they have always held. in any case, i went. i felt weird at first, just kinda followed what my mom did. usually when we go, we just do the traditional 3 bows for respect and leave. but on saturday, i watched my mom pray for a long time in front of the buddah...i kneeled next to her wondering what she was thinking about...what she was asking for. afterward, i was sitting in the main temple staring at lights surrounding the temple walls and just listening to the silence. and i started thinking about ...what i would want...if i were to pray and ask for something...what it would be. if i really did believe...what would my prayer be? if anything...i think that it helped me think through things...and pin point...what i wanted for my life. the time there helped me disect the pieces of my life look at them, and realize what i wanted from them. even though i didn't really think i was going to get any of it by praying at least i had the time to stop, and think about what it was that i would want...and what it was that was wrong that i needed to fix.

all in all it was a good weekend. i went to the gym and contiuning with my "regiment". true, it's not as rigous as last year...but damn...i had alot of work to do last year. this year i think i'm starting off at a good point. i was able to hook up with a few old friends that i've lost touch with and catch up.

i think that i need a little more time..to try to figure it all out. but i think i feel better at where i'm at. things haven't been so good lately, but i think that they will get better progressively soon. i just need to stick to the things that i learned this weekend to keep me going. i guess sometimes, you just need to sit down and ask for help...before you realize what you really need.

2002-12-29T11:14:00.000-08:00

it's almost the end of 2002. this is where i get all retrospective on the year and reach ephipanies that change the way i live my life next year. haha..yeah right. i once knew a guy who would write a letter to himself at the beginning of each year. in it he would write down goals that he would set for himself for the year. kind of like...where i want to be in 1 year type of thing. and then he would seal the letter up and store it somewhere only to be opened at the end of the year. it's a good idea, even if it came from an idiot. i'm not good with goals. i have none and even if i do try to make one, i usually don't reach it.

so let me try another approach and ponder on the year....a dumpling's year in review..if you will. so 2002. well i began 2002 in a hotel room...a marriot to be exact and spent most of it in a hotel room a combo of marriots, w's and summerfields, oh yeah and sierra suites (can't forget that). and hopefully, and with the help of a good friend named terry, i won't be ending 2002 in a hotel room (thanks for letting me crash at your place). but as i think back, alot happend.

-- i finally realized that i'm heading down the wrong path professionally and i see more clearly (though this is not much of an improvement) of what i want my future to be.
-- i was released from my emotional atrophy and discovered once again what it felt like to feel.
-- i realized that the reality of rational thinking and practicality conqures over idealism and emotion -- things don't end up like the movies so don't hang onto false hopes.
-- don't steer boats into other boats
-- friends from the past are just that...from the past. and sometimes there's nothing you can do to change that.
-- there is more to life than work...well at least my life.
-- child birth and raising children seems better in theory than in practice.

i'm sure that there's more...but as i think back on the year, i truely believe that this year, somehow the bubble was broken. for all my life, i lived in this bubble, sheltered from reality. i grew up in fucking mission viejo for god sakes in pretty southern california. the sun always shines and the republicans are plenty...what more can the american dream ask for? i've always had these idealism in my head about how my life SHOULD be and what i SHOULD be doing. this year....alot happend to made me realize that all these things that i always thought SHOULD happen...maybe won't happen...or aren't going to happen the way i thought they would. oh well..so what? i guess life can be more exciting this way? maybe it can be more disappointing...in any case, such is life and it must be lived.

in any case, let's not get all heavy and shit...i know i know..too late. but let me extend a happy new year to all of ya' all. ;) i hope that 2003 will bring happiness, satisfcation and good health to all. the new year is before us and it holds possibilities and oppurtunites that aren't even known. i think next year, my goal is this. to find those possibilites and go after them. cause i think it's better to go after them and see where they take you than to sit in my comfort zone.

anyway..happy new year people. take care.

2002-12-22T20:12:00.000-08:00

all i want in life....

i've decided...

all i want is to buy a house in the same city i work in...i want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, buy a house, and make it a home. raise a family and look back in 20 years and be like...we built this together.

that's all i want.

2002-12-01T16:48:00.000-08:00

sunday. i laid in bed this morning, resisting the reality of this sunday. i tried to go back to sleep...but the NAGGING started. the NAGGING begins small...at first my mind is still cloudy with dreamy thoughts...did that really happen or was that just a dream? then i realize that i've woken up. i start thinking...should i get up? should i go back to sleep? then i start thinking about what i have to do for the day. and that's when the NAGGING begins. today it was work. work that i had to finish before i went back to work tomorrow. how evil and messed up huh? sigh...so i tried to go to back to sleep and forget about the inital manifestations of the NAGGING, but it's too late. it was ingrained in my mind. work...work..gotta get it done...need to do it before you the day is done. sigh..fucking pathetic. so i got up and did 5 hours of work today :( boo for work. at least i finished what i had to do. so that's good. so i'll be ready for more work tomorroow .

well at least my first thought of the day has shifted focus. i've think i've had the same topic of thought in my mind every morning for a number of months now....really, starting your day thinking about the same thing since mid-july can be tedious. at least i'm making some progress. i think this week off from my weird consultant lifestyle was really good. it gave me time to be normal and have normal time. to live a normal life in a house, with people, and food. i've really come to appreciate normality. i use to shun it in my youthful days. back in hs and in college. what's so great about the normal? normal people are boring and look like they all walked out of banana crew & fitch while on their way to starbucks for a latte extra foamy tgi fridays chilli backback ribs kinda of day. but sometimes a little normalcy is nice. i think that's what i want now. normal. hmm...now how to find it. that's the hard part.

2002-11-30T14:19:00.000-08:00

sigh...i just blogged pretty substantially and windows crashed. stupid windows. all gone...booo don't feel like rewritting.

so i put up some phat links on the left for you guys to check out. it's good stuff. have fun!

2002-11-29T11:03:00.000-08:00

late night...really really late night web surfing can result in some good things. check this out...it's the coolest thing i've seen on the web for free in a long time....

ninjai

2002-11-29T01:12:00.000-08:00

l e t
g o

2002-11-29T00:29:00.000-08:00

oh my god...ffx has been comsuming me. it's like a huge fricking soap opera of gaming fun. i've devoted 30 hours to the game so far. i know that's not much in the long run of things, but it's a good dent. it's a great game, if you ever have the chance to play.

so it's thanksgiving....i spent a few hours with my brother's in-laws. it's amazing how difficult and long a few hours can be when you don't know people nor have any common ground to go on with them. like complete polar opposites. yeah. well one thing's in common, there's the little pudgy ball that we all have in common, or more commonly known as my nephew. i wonder how it feels to be this tiny little thing being stared at by 20 different eyes. he must love the frickin attention. that kid is going to grow up to be such an attention whore. :) let me tell you kid...it runs in the family. your aunt is the biggest of them all!

weird thoughts have been going through my mind lately. just crazy scenerios running through my head about what ifs and maybe sos. of course, knowing me and the way i am...they will just remain where they exist...in my mind as a crazy scenerio. i'm too lazy and too stuck in the comforts of the familiar to venture too far from it's warmth. i think i'll just do what i can to get by day by day and just survive enough to play my playstation 2 and be content.

2002-11-27T21:13:00.000-08:00

it's been a while. again. i started writing in my real journal again. the one where no one else reads it...well no one except me. how selfish eh? so thanksgiving is upon us. the other day i was thinking back on the year and all the happenings that occured. why i did this, i have no idea, but i figured the holidays require some sort of reflective activity on one's part. i identified some key moments that stood out through the year. ones that "moved" me, ones that i will always remember, ones that taught me a lesson, ones that made me cry, ones that made me laugh. i won't sit down and document all of them now, i'm sure that will bore you anyways.

sometimes i think i've changed that i've learned, matured, moved on in life. that i'm no longer the silly little naivity that i once was. but i look at myself and realize that i haven't changed at all. that i'm still in the same place that i always was and that i'm still the same girl, in the same skin, with the same thoughts and the same emotions. people who know me think that i'm tough...that i'm independent, that i have this "don't give a fuck attitude" about things -- the tell it like it is girl. that i'm able to live on my own and be on my own. but people who really really know me...know that i'm the furthest thing from that. all that is just a front that i put up to save myself from whatever it is i fear. rejection, pain, loneliness...whatever. what better way to deal with it than to pretend that it doesn't exist?

i don't usually regret things i do in the past. i usually am happy with the results of my decisions...or at least i see the bright side of things. but in looking back on the events of the past year...i realize that i put up that front way too much. that i've pretended to be this person that is immune to emotional attachement or whatever. i've hid behind metaphors and ambigiuity without just coming out and saying what i really mean. sure if i'm drunk enough..i'll spill it...well most of it. but it's still not all of it.

would i consider myself a hopeless romantic ? i think that on the surface i try to protray a rational thinking person. that i look at the reality of the situation and act accordingly. but really deep down i want to loose myself completely...to just give myself compeletly and totally. of course, my own fear inhibits me from doing this. because of the "what if?" cause you never know what will happen. i will refer to the game of craps -- because shit, it's a great game, and why stop with all the vague methapors and shit? if i knew what the next roll would be, i would put everything i have out there. i would bet it all and let it ride...but of course you never know what's going to happen. so you just put a little at a time, cause you want to stay in the game. sometimes you win, sometimes you loose. i think i'm just looking for that big bet. the one where i know that no matter what i can put everything i have into it....and that i'll never loose...that my number will always come up. is that possible? will that ever happen?

it's like so hard to get back and start over again. it's fucking tiring. your heart is just a little more vulnerable and your outlook is a little more bitter. but at the end of the day, i still have this idealism in my mind....the same idealism that i've had in my mind as a little girl. but as i get older...the image changes more and more...and with each ended realtionship after another, the image gets more and more faded. cause how am i going to have THAT when i can't even hold on to THIS now? maybe THAT's not how life works and i've fooled myself all these years. sometimes i wish i could fast foward and see if i will ever have THAT. cause if i'm not..then let's just stop torturing myself now and just come the realize that THAT was all just in my mind.

2002-11-10T17:30:00.000-08:00

hello again.

i'm hungry. very very hungry. where are people these days? don't they know i'm hungry?

in any case, trying to get my life in order....tie things up...get things ready. ready for what? i don't...but ya know..it's time to get things in order and be ready for whatever. i spent today working on the resume (both internal and external), cleaning up my room (throwing out shit from like college), and i went to the gym. what the fuck is wrong with me, you say? i don't know...i really don't. i guess i'm tired of how things have been and how i've been living. and at least this is getting me on the way to making a difference. so that's good.

i'm still on the whole positive thinking kick..which is good. i thought it was only going to be a novelty of sorts. but i think it's going ok. yay for me.

i

2002-11-03T11:59:00.000-08:00

went to the gym last night...it felt so good. true, it's kinda pathetic and sad to go to the gym at 8pm on a saturday night, but oh well...it's a quiet evening and none of the annoying people that you usually hate to see at the gym are there. besides, friday night had enough excitment to last me a year. it was good to finally get out of my funk and get back into my routine that i had established at the beginning of the year. i'm trying to get motivate back into my whole "self-improvement/positive thinking" kick again. i don't know if i'm going to become as obsessive as i was back in feb/march/april - where i would go twice a day, once before work and once after. but hopefully i will incorporate it back. it's actually very theraputic for me. i'm running on the treadmill...and i think about all this stuff that's going on in my mind....and all of a sudden, the 2 miles are up. of course i never resolve anything, nor do i actually reach any conclusions or resolutions. but at least i got the 2 miles. maybe i should stretch it to 3 or 4 and see what happens then. haha..i'm too lazy for that shit though. i think 2 miles is my limit on the treadmill of bordem.

let's see what else can i talk about? remember how i said i felt as if i was free? why is that? perhaps i'm finally free of my emotions..or my state of mind. perhaps...i was holding on to something...maybe a hope for something more. and really...why hold on? maybe, something made me realize that there was no point anymore to hold on. that underlying sense and understanding that "this is how it's going to be..and nothing you do is going to change that..." i know that deep down...i don't want to let go and give up that hope that it could be more. so i keep on persisting..try to regain or reestablish that connection. all the while i concentrate on that...and not really anything else in my life. and everything that i have i put into that...and eventually i look at myself one day and realize that i've lost myself in all of this...and really nothing has changed in the situation. it's happend alot in the past...so maybe it's time i break the cycle. maybe it's time to just realize that even though i want it ...and even though it was once there...it doesn't mean that it's suppose to be...and suppose to stay with me forever. so...that's that. and then you just settle with what you have from the situation. and you play the "roles" from that...and try to forget the prior roles that you played before. it's hard to transition as you remember the past, but i think with time, the memories of the past fade and they become just that...distant memories of a time that you use to share. and i guess that urge and desire to regain the past fades away, cause you can't really remember what it feels like anymore. the emotions are still fresh in the beginning and the loss still stings....but eventually the feelings go away and the loss gets muddled up with other things in your life. i think maybe that i've just realized what this all means and how to deal with it. it's happend many times to me now...with both boyfriends and friends...and other feelings of loss in my life. but finally, i've come to understand it and deal with it on a more rational and mature level. rather than be someone whose looking down, trying to pick up the broken peices and reassemble them into something that it once was...just accept it as broken and look up...there might be something new that's there. sure it's not as big and beautiful as what fell and broke, but it's still something that should be appreciated. and maybe with time, it'll become something good and there could be some hidden beauty in it that can be appreciated. in some cases though...once broke, it remains broke...and that's how it's going to be. i think this applies to more than you think in my life. from the obvious choice to less than the obvious. i won't dwell on the obvious for now, as he knows who he is -- and the situation is different. for the less obvious choices in my life. i look up and see nothing left from where something fell...so really i have no choice but to try to reassemble the broken pieces....it's just hard to do it by myself. but i'm getting tired of trying to put the piece together...and i'm ready to give up. are you?

2002-10-31T23:06:00.000-08:00

so i got some feedback for my blog...

someone said..."That's the diana i use to know"
haha...you know...i think you are right...this IS the diana you use to know...it's been so long since she's been out to play. it's good to have her back. i hope she stays for a while.

2002-10-31T22:50:00.000-08:00

ok it is confirmed....the people that i work with on my project are fucking morons. what the fuck man..how did they get hired? what fucking genius decided to let them breath? shit...

ok with that out of the way...how are you today? i know that my blog has been silent for a while. it's been tough lately. lots going on...work is difficult, life is difficult. everything is so fucking difficult. but i think though all the difficulty i'm actually becoming a better person and understanding myself (or at least understanding how to handle myself) better. trying times, i guess, challenge ones self.

so since i really really blogged...alot happend.
- i turned 24. wholly shit...yeah there was a lot of drinking...hanging out with good friends and having a good time. it was pretty memorable.
- i went to vegas....and dropped 2 bills at the craps tables. yeah yeah i know i know...but...don't fear...we've been working a STRATEGY. hahaha...yeah next time, i'll only be dropping 3 benjis.
- q turned 24! hehehe..and all the girls celebrated by collectively throwing up in the norm's (on pico) bathroom...way to go girlies...
- went to wine country with the nord cal crew and kicked it with fucking steve from edgewood as he taught us the how to's to being a snobby wine taster.
- other important life changing stuff happend, but it's all too boring for you outsiders to read about. you like excitement, fun, gossip and good times...i know you...i know how you work.

and that is why.....
i'm going to turn over a new leaf. i've been really negative lately...pessimistic. i find that all i do now is think about how shitty my life is ...or how shitty my job is ...or how shitty everything is.... but really it's not that bad. today, was the first day in a long time that i felt good, despite all the shittiness that went on around me. it was a shitty day at work, but somehow i either a) rose beyond it and let the shittiness just flow past me while i did my thing or b) just accepted the shittiness and was happy that i learned how to incorporated it into my life or c) the shittiness has submerged so deep inside of my spirit that i'm fucking delusional. i hope it's a. so it's a new dumpling now people... i won't talk about the assholes that i work with on my project...i won't talk about being lonely and rejected....i won't talk about how i hate my lifestyle and my job....and i won't talk about how 3 of my closests friends from college have totally disowned me and discarded me from their lives....and i certainly won't talk about crazy bitch ass monkeys that eat small children. cause that shit's just negative. ;) but what is didi-dumpling without all the dark images, the brooding thoughts, the vague ambigous methapors? what will become of her? can she exist in this NEW FOUND GLORY? fuck..who knows.

one things for sure...she's not going to stop cussing. GODDAMN cussing is fucking GREAT!

yeah if you can't tell..i'm in a strange place right now. somewhere between...i don't give a fuck anymore and wholly shit this is my life.

it's weird...i feel liberated...freed...what happend to me? i haven't felt this high since memorial day 2k2. haha...

if you know why i'm feeling this way...please email me and let me know.

2002-10-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

it's weird. my parents can always tell. she came up to me today and asked me if there was anything that was upseting me. she said that she sensed that i was unhappy. she asked if it was about work or if anything was bothering me. how can they tell?

2002-09-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

my precious blog...my sanctuary away from the world. where i can divluge my deepest thoughts and release my pent up emotions...sometimes when i pull up this page, i just feel good. right now it's one of those times. i'm in a terrible mood right now. i have no idea why. i just feel really shitty. sometimes you just don't know what to do, or what to say, or you just don't feel like doing anything. you just want people to leave you alone and let you be. i'm in one of those moods right now.

so much has been going on emotionally in my life. it's like one minute your fucking totally excited about life and everything that's going on and the next everything can just feel so bad and negative. maybe someone's finally yanked me from my dream and woke me up....and i'm too stubborn to really realize it.

everyday i stare at spreadsheets of data...tons and tons of data. people send me this data to store into this master database i've created. i review the data, look at what's different, what's changed, what's different and i manipulate it and make it look how i want it and store it in my database. when people give me their data, sometimes i get all this garbage...stuff doesn't line up in the correct columns, stuff doesn't make sense...it just doesn't match. so i have to sit there for many hours and review each line of it. i have to move stuff, make assumptions on what it means, what things stand for, change it around and try to get it into the database i created. there's a set way that the data has to be to be inputed correctly without failure. but people constantly deviate from this and give me all this shit that i have to sift through to find what i need and how i need it. maybe i built my database with too high of an expectation on people and thier behaviors. sometimes i'm sitting there and i'm trying to do it...but it's so fucking frustrating...and i want to give up and send it back and tell these fuckers that i can't work with this...change it or it's not going to be processed. but sometimes i can deal with it and sit down and look and be patient and go through it all. i don't think today is one of those days though.

i mean no one is perfect....i guess one has to sit through and look at everything and sift through all the bullshit and the garbage to find the value of things in order to incorporate it into something that you've created.

on a plus side...i did start off my morning watching the rugrats...on today's episode chucky was getting picked on by a girl at the playground. she would kick him, poke him, trip him and generally abuse him. he confronted her and asked her why she was doing all this...and she said it was because she liked him. upon this great relevation, chucky himself discovered a new found affection for her as well. and the two fell in baby love. the next day, chuck, high on the buzz of love, went looking all over the playground for his girlfriend and found her behind the bushes poking and triping another little boy...all the while giggling. chucky, in turn was crushed...but in the end he was comforted by the company of his baby crew, tommy, phil and lil. i thought the whole thing was pretty intresting...imagine being a 5 year old and watching that shit. how fucking depressing.

2002-09-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

i want to blog right now. but there's so much to talk about and so little at the same time.

i want to talk about why i cried last weekend. but with that last sentence alone..i've already said too much that i regret.

i want to tell you why i love and hate getting on that plane each week.

i want to tell you why you just can't say sorry and fix everything.

i want to tell you why i have nothing to say. or have no motivation to tell it.

i think my creativity and passion is slowly being sucked dry out of me. this lifestyle is stifling me...i need to move on. but at the same time....i don't want to.

see how fucked up things are in my head..and how i can't just blog it all out?

2002-09-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

i don't get that much time at home to see my friends...to hang out with them..to talk to them...to be with them...don't fucking take that away from me.

2002-09-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

i'm getting some of my own medicine.

someone in my past was involved with a situation that fucked me up real good. i ostracized that person from everything. alienated them socially. at the time..i had the ability to do this. now..the tables are turned. even though i didn't do anything to this new person, they perceive in their mind that i did. i feel alienated from my friends...from what the do...where they go. i end up hearing through someone through someone else that this and this happend last weekend. oh and do you remember that and that happend?

true...i have my own shit to deal with on the weekends, and shit like that..but it fucking pisses me off that i can't fucking hanging out with my friends without some fucking drama to happen. you know..this shit didn't really bother me before...but for some fucking reason...i'm really pissed right now. and really i don't give a shit who sees this or who knows.

perhaps...what goes around comes around...i'm sure there are reasons for this person's hatred for me as there were reasons for my hatred in the past...but i can't really see why someone would hate me when i should not be the source of their hate.

2002-09-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

i'm upset with myself. i feel like i'm revert back to my old self again....which is good and bad. it's good cause at least i know that my "old self" wasn't completely destroyed in the wreckage of my past life. that somewhere deep down in the parts i closed off a while back there is still some reminents of my former self there glowing this warm light keeping things warm, just waiting and trying to get out of the dark cold cage i created for it. it's bad because i thought i learned for my past ways and changed my behaviours to reflect that. it's good to see that i can still be the way i was, but it scares the shit out of me...because it's been so long since i've seen myself do things and act the way i have been. i'm probablly going to regret posting this...but what the fuck..let's play a little with life eh?

2002-09-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

on the flip-side
yay my blog works correctly again..to all the stalkers out there...all the archieves work again. enjoy.

2002-09-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

dude...life is so different now. it kinda sucks. friday night greg and i cruised over to torrance to meet up with some peoples for a get-to-gether. it's one of those..haven't seen everyone i use to party with in like 3 months, so let's get together and drink some beers and eat some meat kinda night. so that's what we did. drank some beers, ate some meat....but all i heard all night was "how's work?"....shit...how's work? these are the same people that i use to drink with all night and then fucking stay up till 6 in the morning, watching the sunrise and talking about this and that with. we use to wax the philosphical, use to ponder life's mysteries, use to divulge my secrets to...and now all we have to say to each other is..."how's work?" my stock answer.."work fucking sucks man." more sad than that...i went home after dinner by 11 and went to sleep...on a friday night. jesus. true, i'm sick and i need to rest. and true...i enjoyed seeing my friends and hanging out with them. but...looking back...in comparison to how things use to be. a little ache kinda twists in my chest. i'm sad....things are different now. people's lives have changed. i've changed, she's changed, he's changed, they've changed. i guess it's part of growing up.

i find myself reminesing about "the college days" alot. thinking back on all the times that we shared together...when people all got along and there was loyalty in masses. and now..it' just all factioned....disjointed. looking back...

i'm on the rooftop of my old apt building looking down at the street. the sky is like the perfect mix of evening and morning...with the light just starting to peek through. i'm bundled up in my sweatshirt with a drink in my hand and my friends at my side....with a feeling that this connection with these people will last forever. the things that you share with them and the thoughts that you discuss will lock you forever in this bond. that they know you as a friend and understand you...

...now 2 years later, you make it together for a few hours a month. you try to catch each other on the phone or on aim between meetings and flights. your life rolls on it's path towards completion and theirs do as well. and sooon...you loose touch. it's weird to think that someone that knew you so well a few years ago...i mean really knew you. knew how you worked, knew how you thought, how you reacted, the mistakes you made, the accomplishments you achieved...everything...can be a total stranger now. if i saw them at a party or at a resturant ...i wouldn't know what to do. do you say "hi" or do you just treat them like the stranger that they have become? no idea.

on a more positive upspin...(yes, time to remove the gun from your head)...my cold is starting to go away. haha..as if you cared.

2002-09-07T23:54:00.000-07:00

i'm at that point again...it's a precarious point. where you know that you've gone too far and you can't go back. it's like...being locked in...whatever happens, you can't really control anymore. on one hand it's great to know that somethings going on and that life ain't shit...but on the other hand...

here's to the bruins....
ucla baby..ucla. fuck csu ;)

2002-09-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

i am sick. i am sitting in bed, with my pajamas on, feeling ill. my eyes are drooping with each letter i type. i hate being ill. you can't control your body and how if feels. i tried my hardest not to get sick...i took vitamins, drank liquids, but all useless...can't fight it.

you can tell yourself one thing...over and over and over again in your mind. but when it comes down to it, it's how you feel that is the truth. it's how your body reacts to it that truely reveals...exposes what you really feel. ya can't fight it yo...it's a part of you...it's how the chemicals mix and match and bond together inside that really know what's going on.

so right now my body is revealing that it feels like shit. so i'm going to take a nap now.

2002-08-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

staying afloat

there are times in ones life when everything seems like it's going against you. where you are just trying to struggle to stay afloat. this is one of those times for me. i'm probablly over-exaggerating as always -- just not use to this new pressure placed upon me. i've had a pretty kick back life...i've always been the baby..the one everyone takes care of. but it turns out that i look around and suddenly all those people that i relied on taking care of me in the past are sort of disappearing. still, they are there, but further away....less able to help...to hold me up. i guess things have to change and sometimes you gotta swim on your own.

whenever i'm on a boat, in a plane going over water, or crossing a bridge i always think...what if? what if all of a sudden the plane crashed, the bridge breaks? what if the boat sinks? could i make it? i judge the distance to the land, the temperture of the water, my energy level of the day. over years of pondering this situation, i have devised a plan. ever since i was very little, i've been a swimmer. i spent my summer days from morning to evening in the pool in my backyard. i know how to swim and i think i do it pretty well. so the plan is this...i would swim to shore and when i got tired or felt myself cramping up, i would rest by floating on my back. i use to do this alot when i was little. i would float on my back facing the sun...with my eyes closed i could feel the warm heat of the summer sun beating down on me while my back would be cooled by the waters of the pool. it was the most relaxing thing i remember about those summers. i would float for hours thinking about how great summer was. surely, this would work in my life/death situation.

a few weeks ago i was crossing a bay area bridge with someone (right now the identity of this person escapes me). i was discussing with this person the whole bit....the sudden peril situation, the strategy i've devised on getting to shore. he laughed at me and said that the current alone would sweep me out to sea. i never though about that. to me it was all about me, the water, the distance to the shore, the temperature of the water. i never thought about the current. other factors? i imagined myself swimming hours, and floating to rest, and ending up further and further from where i wanted to be. work so hard to get to where i wanted and just ending up in the same place or even further away. how is this possible? all my life i was taught through school, through family that as long as you put in the work, as long as you worked hard things would happen for you. you could succeed. is this not true? in school...you study, you learn the material, you understand the concepts, you put the time in, you take the test, you get an A. doing this repetitively and accumulating a history of doing so gets you into a good school. you do this again....you get interviews with good companies....you get a job. so what changed? when does the current come in as a factor and sweep you away? when did i have to start fighting against something i have no control over?

i know that i have lived a sheltered life. really, my life hasn't been filled with any hardships, tragedies or difficulties. maybe the bubble is being broken...maybe the arms of my past security have let go of me and let me swim on my own. who knows. but lately i've felt myself drifting farther and farther away from shore as all that i've learned in the past about success and hard work aren't applying anymore.

2002-08-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

on the so cal tip
warning -- may contain ranting and raving....proceed with caution

so last night i flew home and got in pretty late. i was sitting around thinking...shit, it's friday night....what the hell am i doing? so i called up my buddy, greg, and drove my ass over to his house. being the only fucking oc crew members around, we spend alot of time together. we like doing the same stuff and live within a stone's throw of each other. last night we decided to go check out a new club that just opened in hb. not knowing anything about the place or what type of regulars hang out there, we ventured out on our adventure.

now before i continue, let me digress...
people call me very so cal. what the fuck does that mean? when i think of so cal as potrayed in entertainment and media, i'm thinking shallow, vain, materialistic, posh, upper class fucks. is that what people think of me. perhaps...maybe my definition of "so cal" is wrong. who knows. i never thought i was typical so cal though and last night made me understand why.

last night i saw soo many perfect bodies, plastic surgery, belly button piercings and big hair than i have ever seen in all my trips of las vegas. hb is a beach city filled with surfers and beach bunnies....greg and i though it was pretty fucking entertaining. seriously, i thought there was a dress code that required girls to dress like sluts...not that there is anything wrong with dressing like a slut. i mean girl, if you got it or you bought it, go ahead and show it....more power to you. the dudes where all chiseled and cut like no one's buisness. everyone was beautiful. it was defiently humbling. greg and i had a few drinks, danced a bit, but couldn't handle the meat market that this club was. we couldn't hang much long and took off.

ok...so what's the point? nothing. i struggled for years of my adolescent and college years with my self-image. but i've come to grips with the fact that this is my body and this is how i look and i should just be happy with it. and i am. i have never felt a need for physical alteration. in the asian community, i think the perception of beauty is vastly different than what i am. fair skin, frail limbs, small hips are all admired. oh well...i can't help that i grew up in the states and that i actually ate food when i grew up. it's totally fucked up. i read an article in jane the other month about plastic surgery in korea. girls as young as high school feel pressures to get work done on their face. they are encouraged by family, friends and society to drill off parts of their jaws off so that they have a more slender and symetrical look. everyone ends up looking the same. and dude....don't asians look alike anyway...why make it harder, eh? what the fuck? it's it funny that just the way your bones are formed and the way your skin wraps around your muscles can alter the way society views you? ok...i'm not entirely innocent from vainity...i go to the gym, i watch my wieght, i even ocassionally put on some make-up (oh good god!)...and i'm not gripping about other women who are more attractive and beautiful than i. but what i'm expressing is that it's sad that peope have pressures on them to look attractive...that it obsesses them to a point where they feel the need to change themselves to fit into those expectations. and you know...no matter what, someone is always going to be more beautiful and more attractive than you...deal with it.

ok...so after all that, i kinda regained my self-composure when i was driving home. greg and i were cruising down the street. he let me drive his new car...hehehe..so of course i gotta do a proper "test drive". in any case this bitch in some janky ass mazda protege doesn't even look and merges into my lane right in front of me going fucking slow as fuck. she puts me in this precarious situation where i almost hit her, so i swerve honk like the road raged bitch that i am. in anycase she ends up in the turn lane and i'm in the lane next to her going straight. as i pass by she does the "i-know-i-just-cut-you-off-and-i'm-a-dumbass-but-i'm-not-going-to-make-eye-contact-with-you" kinda thing, so i yell out my window "yeah don't look at me". in anycase, when our lights turn green, i kinda wait for her to drive by, but the poor girl hung back a while and made sure i took off before proceeding as to avoid my bitchiness again. oh well, don't piss me off eh? and if you do, at least acknowledge that you did. give me the wave er something damn bitch...i'm forgiving...ask anyone. ok...so the point here is this....in some sort of sick fuck kinda a way, that situation made me feel better. fucked up eh? just cause i scared some white girl in a protege on the road, i'm all of a sudden a fucking god? haha...what the hell is wrong with me? i have serious problems.

2002-08-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

today, my cousin's little girls came to play at our house. we all went swimming in the pool. intresting thing about kids.

jennifer is almost 3. she's very adventurous and tests her limits with us all the time. but when it comes down to it, she's a little chicken. i watched her today as i played with her in the pool. she wanted to jump from the top step, but she wouldn't jump unless she knew that you were there holding her hand. even if you were a few inches away, should wouldn't jump unless she had her hand in yours. i would try to get further away....and ask her to jump, but she would say, "no i'll fall" and i would tell her, "it's ok, i'll catch you.." but she wouldn't do it. i guess when it comes down to it...... it's hard to jump unless you know for sure that someone's there to catch you.

i have a tendency to be a hard ass. to put up a front. i don't like to get too close to the situation, get too involved, get too emotional about things. nice words and kind gestures usually are tossed aside. usually, people give up trying to wear away the exterior. but eventually, the more i'm exposed to this niceness...the more i'll begin believing it (is there someone there to catch me?). and eventually one day i'll fold. (....jump.....) it happens so suddenly too. all of a sudden one day, i get all mushy and all that attitude melts away (....jump...jump...). but i'm not holding on to anyone's hand when i do this. i'm holding on to this invisible hand that i made up in my head that may or may not even be there. sometimes that hand is just an illusion and i fall....sometimes it's there and i'm caught. sometimes i'm the one who drops someone or holds them up. i don't have it as easy as Jennifer had it...i can't just ask...i can't make sure that there's a hand there to catch me before i jump. life doesn't work that way anymore. sometimes i wish it did. but sometimes it's fun to see where a jump can take you.

2002-08-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

ok i'm going to have to take a break cause i'm going to fucking flip out right about now.

2002-08-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

i hate blogger.

2002-08-01T00:38:00.000-07:00

dude...
umm..scarey shit. i went to a club a year ago (literally) for my friend norm's bday. i remember that i was feeling sick that night -- had a really bad headache. the club was full of booty ass hoes and ganstar punks. not my scene. so i went outside. found a nice table, sat down and put my head down to rest. then 2 random guys came up and started talking to me. i raised my bloodshot eyes...my hair was a mess...i looked like shit. we talked for a while. he heard i worked for a consulting firm. i think he was a student or something...working or something with computers...i can't remember. anyway...i ended up giving him my email address. he didn't write...until now...i just checked my email.

I DONT KNOW IF YOU STILL REMEMBER ME BUT I GOT YOUR
EMAIL ADDRESS AT CHILLERS A WHILE WHILE BACK AGO.
WHILE I WAS LOOKING THROUGH MY DRAWER I FOUND THE CARD
YOU WROTE IT ON SO I DECIDED TO WRITE YOU. CAUSE I
FEEL IT SUCKS IF I ASKED FOR YOUR EMAIL AND NEVER
EMAILED YOU. SORRY IF IM LIKE 8 YRS LATE. BUT IM JUST
TOUCHING BASES WITH YAH. WELL GOTTA GO TO SLEEP NOW
TALK TO YOU LATER...

what the fuck is that shit? what kind of pyscho killer writes in all caps anyway? i'm thinking this dude is from that night. cause i've only been to that club once ..that night. and dude..you are 1 year late not 8...sheesh. he wants to touch bases with me? i don't even know him. how can i "touch bases"? and "gotta go to sleep now" who the fuck cares yo? he sent this shit at 12:14 am too. kinda scarey.

would you do this? he musta got dumped or rejected recently or something. i'm kinda tempted to write back to see how much of a freak this dude really is. seriously, what normal person would do this?

2002-08-01T00:22:00.000-07:00

i feel as if i've been living in a sleepy dreamy hazy and suddenly i've been catapulted back into reality.

sometimes i have extremely vivid dreams. i can feel my surroundings completely. i can smell the smells, i can hear the noises, touch the textures, feel the emotion of the situation. everything is so real. sometimes i have situations in my dreams where i feel emotion as i've rarely felt it in real life. i've woken up crying because it's so real to me. i've felt in dreams love so deeply that it's seemed almost heartachly real. it's a world my mind creates for itself. where i am able to be myself and shed the attitude and shell of my real world persona. i create situations for myself, adventures, relationships. i interact and react. and then inevitably i wake. usually to the sound of an alarm...with it's irritatingly repetitive beep beep beep. the sound slashes through the world i created and jerks me back into my consiousness. i open up my eyes and consciousness sets back in and i inevitibly say "oh it was just a dream". usually i go about my day and the memories of my dream slowy fade and die away until the daily happenings of my life submerge my etheral world into non-existance. sometimes i say "that was a cool dream" and i hit the snooze and try to recreate and go back to that place where i just came. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. usually it doesn't. i guess it can never be the same as it was when it happend for real.

yeah right now i feel like going back to sleep and finding that dream again...

2002-07-31T08:21:00.000-07:00

i've been in my current job situation for the past 14 months. today is my last day. on monday i start new. at a new place, with some new people, doing new work. i'll probablly have the same butterflies that i had 14 months ago....fresh off the tip with nothing in my head. sigh...why do we always have to struggle from the bottom and work ourselves back to the top?

the end always has to come doesn't it? why do we fight it? why do we prolong the inevitable and fool ourselves with extrenous thought and emotion? who knows.

2002-07-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

irony
back in college i interviewed with agilent. i got a rejection letter and a nice t-shirt and pen for my efforts. now i find out that i'm getting staffed to work at agilent. these fuckers are going to be paying my firm my bill rate (which is well over 100) plus my expenses. sucks for agilent. fuckers.

2002-07-29T10:51:00.000-07:00

intresting fact: i seem to blog alot around the same time each month. you do the math einstein...

2002-07-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

i had one of those conversation last night with a friend. one of those defining moments where you will look back many years from now and remember...that's the moment where i knew that you were connected to me forever. and you say i don't write about you...sheesh...

conversations like that are scarey....they are way too honest...to raw. they expose you too much...your strenghts, your weaknesses. you practically surrender yourself to this person and they hold the key to a huge part of you. you are trusting them to do as they wish with what you've given them. pretty heavy shit huh? they have the potential to hurt you or to support you. i've had both happen to me. being dicked over sucks. don't dick your friends over. but having someone who you trust completely and truely is fucking euphoric. i guess sometimes you have to take the risk...

2002-07-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

warning: soft and mushy
the greatest thing is having a good time with good friends. what's even better is when you bring friends who don't know each other together and they mesh and have a good time. some people don't like it. they want to keep things to themselves....not share. my friends are the best people i know. they are good people, friendly, open and fun. if you aren't like that...then i usually don't hang out with you. when i get to share these people with others i care about...that makes me feel even better.

last night i was pretty down. thinking about life and how everything has happend to bring me to this one point in my life. i was thinking about some deep depressing shit....my own failures, my disgraceful behaviours, my excessive lifestyle...and seriously this shit was bringing me down. i ended up crying for a couple of mins. which is weird because i haven't cried outside of a drunken episode in vegas back in decemeber for a good 2 some years. what's even weirder is that i'm blogging about this. usually i don't express my weaknesses.....i guess things are a brewin'....in any case...i was scheduled to be meeting up with some friends from la and my friends from north cal from some dancing in oakland. driving to my friend's place, i almost turned around...ready to go home, sit in a dark room and brew. but instead i decided not to be a little bitch and go anyway. i'm extremely greatful that i did. because being around people i cared about and people that make me laugh and happy turned me around in no time.

i guess things aren't so bad...i haven't failed that much...when i have made friends with people who make me feel so happy and good. so to all those last night at ibiza... you know who you are... thanks for being there for me (even if you didn't know you were doing anything particuarly special).

2002-07-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

it seems that i should blog about stuff right now. i don't really want to, but i guess i will. i'm sure everyone is expecting it from me. so here it goes...

let's not be harsh and judgemental on what is going on with other people's lives. not everything is so cut and dry, black and white and whatever the fuck. not everything is so cause and effect...and the past is an imperfect collage of memories -- patches of conversations, relations, situations, people and emotions that get all jumbled up and distorted in the future and the present. i appreciate the "stick up" but it's not needed.

it seems that i spend 80% of the time lost. i'm using lost in many ways...i get lost often.
maybe some day i'll actually get found. who knows.

have you ever been in a situation where you have this idealism about what you want for yourself and what you eventually want to become. and somehow something happens and it challenges those ideals that you have set for yourself. there are risks that i just don't take because i know that they will challenge these "ideals" and eventually i will have to make a decision on having this "picture perfect" life or not living the dream that i've created for myself. laziness or fear? should i just go for it? or wait for the ideal? i run the risk of missing the chance and waiting for something to come true that was never meant to be....and then where will i be?

to those who have found their ideal...congratulations. i wish you alot of happiness...well not alot but some.

2002-06-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

what kind of person goes clubbing 3 nights in a row? really...that person should seek some help.

2002-06-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

HE WASN'T FUCKING 18!!!

2002-06-26T15:45:00.000-07:00

my elbows hurt

2002-06-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

ok...it's ours

2002-06-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

IT IS MINE DAMNIT!

2002-06-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

yesterday my level of annoyance and irritability was at a disasterious high. small things were building up and bugging the fuck out of me. by the end of the day all i wanted to do was go home and brew in my own irritating juices. but instead i went out to dinner with some friends in the city...had a sapphire tonic (a damn good one at that) and loosened up.

today..at 8:30am...the meter hit the top again. i even had an annoying dream last night which began my initial unsteady morning mood. an encounter with incompetant hotel staff elevated me to a state of major irritance. the commute to work which involved 40 mins of thinking of the annoying dream and the annoying hotel encounter made me even more fucking pissed off. so the day was shitty even before i got to work.

i will try to remain calm and relax. i will try not to make my mood right now dictate my interactions with people today. good dumpling...good.

2002-06-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

SoopahViv: i'm supposed to ask you about the 18 year old
di27di: did eric tell you to ask me?
SoopahViv: i can neither confirm nor deny
SoopahViv: yeah so what ABOUT the 18 year old, eh?
di27di: gezuz..
di27di: i'll just blog about it

shit..enough already...

18 year old
ok..first of all he wasn't 18.
long story short....
vegas...club...guy....skinny/tall/18 year old looking 20 something asian guy...

him: hey
me: hello
....other omitted conversation....
him: wanna dance
me: ok
....stuff happens....
him: i'm drunk
me: yeah you are, let's find your friends
....i find his friends....
me: do you know this guy
his friend: yah
me: ok, he's really drunk. take care of him
....go home, sleep....
....next day, bellagio buffet....
friend: i just saw that guy from last night in the buffet
me: what guy?
friend: the guy you were dancing with at the club
me: no shit? are you sure it's him
friend: i don't know
other friend: i'm going to take a walk
....lots of teasing from other friends....
me: dude, i wonder if he's going to come and talk to me
....friends take turns walking by his table....
me: thanks guys...real good
....guy and friends get up and leave....
....pretends he doesn't know me....

the end

ok? now everyone shut the fuck up...it's not a very nice story and kinda makes me sad in a weird way (well at least the way i tell it here). perhaps if i WANTED to talk about it and WANTED to tell people or WANTED people to know i would have made it more entertaining and fun...with more details, commentary and wit. but really...here's what you get instead...a boring rendition of something i would rather like to forget. so please stop asking me to tell it and please stop talking about it. thanks.

2002-06-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

yes....that's right...i'm back...savor it.

work is very slow at the moment...providing plenty of blog time to endulge in. unfortunately, i's gots nothings to say...what should i talk about? i have no grenades, no chips on my shoulder (well..none that i want to share with you), no pennies to talk of, no ambigious, overly extended metaphors to speak of at all. so what can one possibly talk about in my case? nothing terribly exciting has happend to me lately....i am looking forward to my trip to cancun mexico...ahhh cancun where the sun shines down on sin and debauchery...yes, boys and girls, i am overly excited about my trip. and speaking of trips...i would like to take this time to express a concern that has been brought to my attention...

cardinal trip rule #1
thou shalt not speak of events and or happenings of the "carnal way" or any events and or happenings of the lesser carnal degree on a trip outside of regular geographic area of dwelling to those parties outside of said trip.

ok...i'm 23...i'm young...i do stupid things...people don't need to know this. as long as it's self-acknowledged...dude..that's good enough for me. annoucements should not be posted and or discussions of my crazy antics need not take place....especially in my absence. if i feel comfortable i will discuss this facts openly and share my intresting stories with all the world...but really...there's nothing much to discuss. besides these are my stories to share..don't take that fun away from me. but..i'll give you this...most of what happens to me is weird and bizarre. if you're going to ignore me...and tell a classic didi-dumpling story...at least tell it with some style :)

2002-06-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

grrrrreat...for those of you that don't know...mission viejo is where i live...and i went to highschool with this chick. see what suburban living can do?

on another completely unrelated topic...if you ever order the TRES TACOS! (really there's an exclamation point in the name...is this really necassary? i mean, we really don't need to get that excited over 3 fucking tacos) at baja fresh try it with the "spicy sauce". it is surprisingly burning the taste buds off my tongue. ok really it's not, but it's substantially spicy..check it out.

2002-06-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

ok i just saw the no doubt, "hella good" video. i would say that this video is "hella weird".

2002-06-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

hmmmm...how very dumplingesque

2002-06-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

i haven't blogged in a while. i don't know why. i know that people read my blog...at least they read it more now. i feel reluctant to post.

it seems that i haven't been home in ages. last weekend i went camping in northern california. the weekend before that i was busy with the wedding. this is the only weekend in a long time that i have been able to enjoy home. right now i'm sitting on the edge of my bed, in my own bedroom. the door is slightly ajar. i can hear the tv in the next room playing some sort of chinese news program, indicating that my mom is watching tv in the next room. across the hall my dad is sitting in his chair, slightly dozing off, with the tv on. i know that if i walk over there and turn off the tv, he will wake up. the window in my room is open beneath the shades as a slight summer breeze blows in and skims the skin of my arms. you can always tell that summer's about to begin when the heat rises to the second floor of our house and at night we lie in bed with the windows open. the best thing ever is a summer evening, sleeping with the windows open ontop of the covers. i was crusing down pch today near newport beach. the sunroof was open, the windows were down, the sun was shinning, and the music was loud. outside the pacific ocean rolled by, people where out walking on the streets with surfboards, beach towles, and flipflops...i might be closed minded, i might be living in a bubble...but i grew up here. i can't think of a better place to live...to be...it's good to be home. i can travel, i can live somewhere else...but nothing is the same as home...

lately, i haven't been taking care of myself...physically, emotionally. i've skipped going to the gym for the past month and a half, i've been gaining weight, sleeping in, eating badly...bah..i need to start with that self discipline crap that i was so good at for a while...sometimes it's hard though..when you have no motives...nothing to work toward. i go through these weird cycles...anyway...dude....why am i telling you this anyway...this is more journal material than blog material...

i sense a long blog drought ahead...

2002-05-23T08:32:00.000-07:00

hmm..someone said what i was going to say. maybe i sat on it and brewed too long on my thoughts. it's a hard blank to fill...but most blanks are...don't you think?

ok i have a van full of food and drink...anyone up for a joy ride?

i think i've finally caught up on my sleep from this weekend. just in time before i loose more sleep over this coming weekend. i need to move my blog over to my home server. i feel creative limitation, or maybe it was the sushi i ate last night..well regardless of what it is...something must be done.

dude...it's about time ray!. sheesh...ya go away for a bit for some own self-reflection and all of a sudden people drop you. what's up with that? i thought our friendship was stronger than that ray....sigh...the pain the pain....

ok i just reread what i just wrote..i'm damn random. ok really, i have nothing to say...i think it's one of those times but without the last part....

2002-05-21T12:48:00.000-07:00

i feel sick.
i think i'm sleep deprived.

2002-05-21T00:17:00.000-07:00

ok..my brain is turnning mushy.

need to recharge

2002-05-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

i saw episode ii tonight. what makes these movies so good? what's the big deal? it's because we know the stories of episode iv, v, and vi so well. they are a part of our childhood...something we grew up with. we know the characters, we know the stories, but now we have a chance to see the past. to see how everything started. to see why things are the way they are. sometimes i wish there could be an episode ii for everything. the past has passed...only to be remembered by memories. you can never really know what happend. even narration is the result of only one perspective. that's why i like episode ii. sure it's just a movie. but within the reality of the story, it's an unbiased portrayal of the past. anyway...yoda kicks some serious ass yo...makes me proud to have been him for halloween back in kindergarten.

it was rainning on the way home from the movie theather. between the theater and the hotel lies a large hill. as i was driving over this hill the rain was really pouring...to a point where i couldn't really see the road. finally it kinda let up, but still the rain was coming down. i reached the top of the hill and saw the view of the valley below. the sky over the valley was dark, but very clear. hardly a cloud in the sky. the stars shone very distinctly between the clouds. and just a few miles away, underneath a bunch of clouds drenched in rain, was me. it's weird the difference a little distance can make.

2002-05-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

mississippi river boat hair
i shoulda known that i was going to have some issues with my "prom hair" hair-do when i was chatting with my hairstylist and she told me that she spent 5 years in corpus christie, texas. yeeha! anyway, i ended up looking like a disneyland dixie land parade worker with glitter! yes boys and girls..glitter. oh well. i didn't think it was that bad until i saw my friend greg in which his first words were "i have not seen hair like that before in my life". gee thanks greg. anyway, i was comtemplating dunking my head into a large tub of water, but i figured, fuck it....i'll chesse it up big time, for all its worth. evetually the curls relaxed a bit and i looked less like shirley temple and more like just a normal mississippi river boat whore. so that's good.

the wedding
the wedding was beautiful, as all wedding should be. the ladies got ready in a loft above where the ceremony was held. linnea looked beautiful and really radiant. moments before we were going to walk down to the precession, we all were silent, just waiting. i looked at her and kinda teared up a little.

open bar!
it made my part of the maid of honor speech very easy. i don't really remember exactly what i said. but people came up to me and told me it was good...so i guess i pulled off the sober act. nah..i'm kidding..i did remember what i said. and dave, what i meant to say afterwards was "i meant everything that i said" not "i said everything that i meant", that was the wine talking ;) but i think you got that. thank you linnea, your family now calls me 2 things a) the "pick up line" girl or b) the "spit" girl. wonderful....

mc rib
on our way up to the wedding we past this man in a volvo eating a mc rib sandwhich. my friend oliver instantly recongized the mc rib....and after all, the mc rib is back! then he started calling people to get him a mc rib and to bring it to him at the wedding, since we couldn't stop. i guess he didn't get any cause after the wedding he was still craving the mc rib. so the point of this story is that we ended up going to get mc ribs after the wedding at midnight. i was half drunk eating a mc rib in the back of my car. then i passed out. btw thanks ollie and greg for driving! i woke up when we got to greg's house, i made the boys get out of my car, i walked to the driver's side and hauled my ass home. btw, sorry boys for not saying good-bye. there were 2 things on my mind, 1) blankey 2) pillow. anyway, i got home and realized that i got mc rib all over myself. boo to the mc rib! booooooo...! don't trust a rib that doesn't have bones...isn't that just un-natural?

monday morning ritual -- ultimate version
yeah the monday 4:20am (don't ask me why i set my alarms to 4:20) ritual was harder when you are still half drunk and only had 3 hours of sleep. go fig. anyway..i'm at work now half in a daze with nothing to do.

2002-05-16T12:46:00.000-07:00

it's the big weekend. my friends are going to get married. good for you guys. if i've never said it, i'll say it now. i've known you guys for a while now....seen you in different situations, seen you interact with other people, with each other...and i can say that you two are really made for each other. i can see no other person that could be a better fit for either of you. i'm happy that you have found each other. the search is over and your journey together has begun and will continune together. i can't wait to celebrate on sunday...

2002-05-14T23:24:00.000-07:00

P***B****: without the bun, you'll get meat and cheese all over your hands!!!
di27di: huh?

huh?

2002-05-14T23:17:00.000-07:00

word.

2002-05-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

see i don't think there should be a double standard. when i see some white girl with an asian guy...it irkes me too.

ok..i'll admit, i am not entirely unguilty of going after a white boy or two....hell i grew up in oc for god sakes...there were like 10 asian people in my whole high school. but there's a difference. i mean...it's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.

hmm..that's pretty harsh eh?

2002-05-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

a worn penny that got lost in the bottom of the barrel...dude that's harsh.

ok..what's up with all the asian guys having white girl fetishes? i know about you boys... a certian friend of mine had a certian white girl friend for a while...back at home the other asian boys hailed him "the conquerer". how fucked up is that?

2002-05-14T15:33:00.000-07:00

no i think it applies to asian men too. what's up with the dog meat comment? why dog meat? is that the meat a dog eats? or the meat of a dog?

2002-05-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

"once you go asian, you won't be a' changin' "
-- my friend, brian tovar, on dating asians

2002-05-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

haha..

Conn3X: ITS SHINY DAMN IT

it's tempting to take a shiny penny..i mean...it is shiny and it catches the eye. but then again..shinny pennys catch everyone's eye. imagine this...

the price is 12.01. there's a line of impatient people behind you waiting to pay. the person at the register is impatiently tapping his/her foot. the pressure is on. i don't want to get .99 back in change. so i open my change purse to look for a penny. there are so many coins in there -- quarters, dimes, nickels -- sometimes it's hard to tell a penny from everything else. a penny has a similar edge and size as the nickel. sometimes i confuse the two. and in this time and place, you don't want to make a mistake and hold up the line. but the identifying characteristic of a penny is this...it's color. bright shinny pennys are brillantly copper. the stand out...blazing their penny identity amoung the other coins in the dark recesses of my wallet. the older, less brillant pennys lie in the corner, dark and smuged with use. in times of pressure, which do i choose to give away?

it's easy to loose a shiny penny...

2002-05-12T13:24:00.000-07:00

Conn3X: just take the damn penny

you can't just take any old penny....

2002-05-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

best karaoke song
"sweet child of mine"

2002-05-11T01:08:00.000-07:00

my hand smells like male stripper.

2002-05-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

i am depressed. i wrote an excellent blog about a weekend outing to ranch 99 and it got eaten up when my ie crashed. two things:
1) sigh
2) damn you windows
debate rages in my head...should i try to recreate what i wanted to say?

2002-05-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

trickyech: well, you don't have to if you have nothing
trickyech: that'd just be blogging for the sake of blogging.
trickyech: and that's worse then not bloging
di27di: i ALWAYs have something to say

it's true..i do.
so i guess i didn't finish my thoughts on the "whole bf/gf thing sweeping the nation in a fury" thing. let me finish my thoughts on that first...

dumplings finishing thoughts...
i feel that one by one, my friends are coupling off. what's the deal with this? having a biology background, i understand that it's a innate tendency that all move towards, and i guess socially it is expected. and seeing as how i am leaving the reckless world of "early 20s" and venturing into the chic and refined "mid-20s" the "panic" hits. the "panic" makes people do strange things...sometimes they get married, sometimes they do some random hooking up, sometimes they find a companion and hold hands...i'm not saying that everyone has the "panic" or that the "panic" is the same degree in each individual...but what i do think is this...at one point in everyone's life, they question their own lonliness..maybe while paying for an ice cream, you are a penny short and you turn to your side to ask someone if they have an extra penny, but there's no one there...then you start thinking...will there ever be someone next to me that i can ask for a penny from? will i be short one penny and companionless forever? and how will i pay for this ice cream without a penny? see..that's the "panic". sure this last scenerio was a bit extreme and severe...i'm sure people don't actually do this. but it's an illustration of a point. i use to have the "panic". it's subsided somehow and hasn't resurfaced in a loooong time. the "panic" occurs in varying degrees and surface at various points/periods of one's life. they can be short visits or long. i'm sure someday i'll be visited again...but for now..i'm gald it's gone.

2002-05-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

last night ucla had a night of spectacularness. it was the 1st annual young alumni reunion. ok here's the deal...basically they put 5 graduation classes together in the pauly pavillion and take $25 buck a head. actually, i was surprised at the quality of the night. it was pretty cool. black astro-turf, a ice sculpted martini bar, casino table games all over, live band, dj, dance floor, free food. it really was nice. plus i did bump into about 5 or 6 people that i haven't seen in a couple of years. overall, the night wasn't bad...especially when i was playing (and loosing) at let it ride. which reminds me...i need to take a trip to vegas..

vegas...
last time i went to vegas, i don't really remember what happend. i think i was working 1/4 of the time, unconscious 1/4 of the time, 1/4 of the time was spent in the excalibur tournament game (i mind as well been unconcious) and the last 1/4 i was nausated and throwing up. so really...i need to spend a weekend in vegas where i'm not doing any of those 4 things. anyone up to go?

back to the alumni thing...
it seemed like a big bring your significant other night. all my friends brought their significant others. i didn't realize that this whole bf/gf thing was sweeping the nation in a fury. i went to dinner with some friends/accqaintances. there were 5 couples (that's 10 people for you low math sat scorers out there) and 5 of us singles..sucks to be out numbered...

more on this later..

2002-05-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

ever have something looming over you. something that keeps you up at night running crazy scenerios in your head? sometimes there are questions you just need answered and there's nothing you can do to answer them. have you? umm..yeah me either.

2002-05-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

ok, so all of you may or may not know (i think that covers everyone) my friend linnea is getting married. the faithful day is may 19th. thoughts that ran through my head a year ago...

1) "damn that's a long time from now."
2) "wow, i'll be able to bring a date."
3) "surely i'll have a boyfriend to bring by then."
4) "hmmm..i'm hungry"

ok well...here are some clever retores to those comments

1) nope girl, it's like ummm 2 weeks from now.
2) nope girl, you're like not allowed to bring a date.
3) nope girl, what like crazy illusion were you living? (please note my mentality at the time was still in it's pretty-fucked-up-need-male-validation phase)
4) i think i got a sandwich to remedy #4.

so...eventually time wore on, about 11 months or so passed in which gowns were bought, bridesmaids dresses bought, fittings, tailorings, showers were thrown...the works. and now the time has come to throw the bachelorette party...and i'm the lucky person to do it (yay for me)! i spent some hours last night creating and printing the invitiations. by the way if anyone finds a small 4 1/2" X 5 1/2" envelop stuck in the network printer at my client site....it's not mine! anyway, after doing all this shit and making it "perfect" (strangely, i find that i'm a perfectionist about certian things), i realize at about 11:30pm (fyi i got into work at 8am that morning) that i misspelled one word and misaligned something. fuck fuck fuck! believe me i was about ready to kick my own ass really hard. i think i even tried, and stretched something. ok..perhaps my behavior is a tad bit obsessive and/or disturbing to some of you. but really, after spending 5 hours on something that someone's just going to look at for like 1 min and throw away...you can get a little out of touch with reality. so that was my night. i'm a riot girl aren't i?

ok one last thing on this whole wedding/marriage thing...
linnea had a wedding shower thrown by her step mom. i was all fine and good. until she started opening her presents. usually 1) showers are all about the bride and 2) opening presents is the best part of any party. but i'm making it 1) all about me (of course) and 2) the part where i freaked out internally. at the shower she got this engraved wedding cake serving set thing. basically it said as plain as day "linnea & dave" and on the next line it said "may 19, 2002". ok this totally freaked me out. everyone was all "ooo" and "ahhh" about it. i think there was even a "how cute" from one of the younger cousins. while i, internally, was having my own minor crisis. hello?!?!? does it not freak anyone else out. right there was your future carved on some "things remembered" trinket. like..no backing out now..the serving utensil says so! ok..maybe it just me that thinks it's weird. i'm not in the "zone" for all the commitment right now...and that's why it weirded me out. but damn..it was on the fucking cake server! can you not identify with me?