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:: Wednesday, May 12, 2004 ::

haha...i know, it's been a while...a long while eh? i'm sorry.

so, how's everyone doing? i'm sure no one even checks this page anymore. in fact, i sort of forgot that it was still here.

well, i find myself at work, with not much to do. career-wise, i'm just chilling and not doing much to advance...just trying to get by without anyone being the wiser. i've recently purchase a home of my own. it's been nice to have a place of my own. i have a roommate as well, so it's good that there's someone there to help me take care of things when i'm gone. plus she's a good friend and i trust her and i know she won't have any crazy orgies or satanic rituals in my absence. that's why i love mollie.

lately, things have been feeling really circular...routine. i've noticed that around the same time i think the same thoughts, have the same emotions, question the same questions....you think it's hormonal? i dunno...perhaps...but regardless i still have these thoughts. i feel scared to change things in my life...i've come so far to get to this point...am i ready to do things to change it? take my job for instance. i've been working here as a corporate slut for 3 years +, it's the first job i took since i got out of college...i know people here, i know the work, i know what's expected of me. am i ready to turn all of that in and venture out of this place? to do something different? expose myself willingly to strangers? what if they don't want me? what if i hate it? what if THIS is what i'm suppose to do and where i'm suppose to be?

i think another thing is ...i have no vision for my future. sure i want to get married, have a kid or two, have a family...etc. etc. but...sometimes, i think...what if none of that happens? i mean...i could see that happening too. i don't necassarily think it's bad if it doesn't happen. it's just a circumstance of my life to deal with. i mean..if it does happen..sure it'll be nice...but if it doesn't...i don't want to be disappointed.

sometimes i thrive and want change....but sometimes, i am content to stay in what i know. but i think that change is the only way i can grow...all the big events in my life that have caused me to "advance" were great moments of change.

maybe it's time for some?

:: didi 10:42 AM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, November 11, 2003 ::
i was driving from the aiport to work on the 880 N...i mean i was driving on 880 N (i know there's people out there that are anal about that shit...terry...). and i was kinda out of it cause this dude on the airplane talked to me the WHOLE time...from 6:15 to 8:30. yo, monday morning plane time = sleep time. sigh.

anyway. i was driving and i saw this huge 18 wheeler and it had all these huge crates on it. each one was strapped down to the truck and each one had "DIANA" painted on it with large black block letters. you could imagine my surprise and delight at this sight. i mean, what could the boxes be storing? is it multiple large gifts for me being delivered by a secret admirer? perhaps it was storing a bunch of robots that look like me, talk like me, walk like me....and the guy was delivering it to the DIANA factory. it would be the hotest toy this holiday season, giving the tickle me elmo a run for its money. my mind went wild. i was tempted to roll down the window and yell out at the driver and ask him what was in the box. but i thought against it....my unsafe actions could cause a huge accident on 880 and everyone would be in disadvantage for my curiosity. so i sped away with questions unanswered.....i wonder what was in those boxes?

things have been well. i've been taking each day for what it's worth...if that means anything. just chillin', not really letting anything bother me too much. you know...in the long run. it doesn't really matter. my present state of mind is kinda this strange sense of contentness....i can feel things around me changing. people are changing, my perception of people are changing...what they mean to me are changing. i mean it's ok...it's inevitable growth....but it's weird to see things drifting away and my connections to people rebraiding itself into a different kind of pattern. it's not bad...just different. lately, i've seen some really good friends...in a different light. their priorities have changed.....their desires are different. it's ok....it's progression.

i think that i'm content, to some respects. more than ever i want to finally get my house (er condo er whatever i end up being able to afford). a place i can call my own. where i can put things where i want, where i can live how i want....i always thought that i would do this with someone in my life. start from something small and build it into something that we created together. a place to call home. though i guess either way ...doing it with someone, and on my own will be something satisfying and meaningful. i'll be doing it on my own....it's ok though. i'm kinda scared a little nervous....no one there to support me if i fail. no back up plan. but it's ok...i think i can handle it. in the end...it's just me anyway.

:: didi 10:00 AM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, October 28, 2003 ::
yesterday started off pretty badly. i was uncontrollably sad for no reason. there wasn't anything in particular that was bothering me....or maybe it was everything. i dunno. in any case....in the evening i ended up going out and buying my halloween costume. :) i'm excited about it. it's been a while since i had a halloween costume. really dressed up and went out and had some fun. i think the last time was probablly in high school. so i'm pretty excited about friday night. plus it's going to be my last weekend in the bay area before taking off for another project. no word yet on where i'm going. but we'll see.

:: didi 9:13 AM [+] ::
:: Saturday, October 25, 2003 ::
i started my day in toy r us.... :) and you know what? i really don't want to grow up....

my neice jennifer had a birthday party today. i had to get some presents. since she's turning 4, i thought that it would be a great time to get her some board games....you know the classics...memory, candy land. :) god i love that shit. i remember planning those games when i was a kid.

the birthday party was great. it was a halloween theme, since we are getting close to the holiday. all the kids were dressed up in costumes running around and playing. it was really adorable. jennifer was a dragon from dragon tales...the pink one. since i'm totally out of the loop on kids shows these days, i can't tell you the name of the dragon. lindsay, her sister, was a furry little dog. my nephew, joshua, turned up as a little pumpkin. oh...and i have a new little nephew, just born a month ago. jonathon, my cousin's latest, was pumpkin number two. i watched the kids play and run around everywhere. i try to think back on the days when i was that small. it's hard to remember. i use to have a crazy imagination. i miss that. i could turn the tiles on the pool into buttons of a submarine. the coffee table would be my check out stand at the market. i would play for hours...i was watching the kids today...and realized how much things have changed.

i spent the rest of the day reading a book i picked up at toys r us. that's right...toys r us :) so while i was browsing for candy land...and memory....a book caught my eye. i was kinda confused why a novel like book was at toys r us. i figured it was one of those 'young adult' books. like for 8th graders or something...jr high kids. in any case, i picked it up, read the first sentence, and decided it would be some guilty pleasure reading. it turned out to be the best thing i've read in a long time. if you are looking for a quick read...check it out. flippped by wendelin van draanen.

i don't why i like it so much. i feel like there so much of it that speaks to me right now. i guess it's kinda stupid to think that a book written for jr high kids can speak to someone that's 25. maybe i'm just immature, maybe i just haven't grown up. i dunno...but for some reason...i really identified with it. i'd rather not go into how...here...since i don't really know you that well and really having such an intimate conversation in such a public setting is so awkward and weird. if you really would like to know...then by all means..ask me :) we can talk over it one day while we have some lunch...

so....my "no alchohol" trip has been working. i opted out of drinking in 4 separate occassions where alchohol was offered to me. i feel like i can think more straightly....no more haze. i dunno if it was just my time to start thinking straightly or if the lack of alchohol is a factor. i don't think it is...but...i dunno....things just seem more clear now. i feel less bogged down by life...by emotion....by whatever...and somehow less fearful of the unknown. i'm going to be rolling off of my current project at work. i've been traveling to the bay area now for the last 2.5 years. at first i was really adamant about staying there. i'd do anything to just stay there. to keep the routine...to have that safety there....that comfort zone. but now as i think about it...i don't really care. whatever happens...happens. i think it would be fun to go somehwere else for a change. change...i've always been afraid of it....scared to move on and away from what is comfortable....for some strange reason....i kinda want it now. i also realized something in the past few days....something that i was too stubborn to really admit...but finally understand. and that my friends...makes for good living.

there have been massive brush fires near our house lately. i woke up this morning with a strange orange hue coming through the blinds. a brownish haze covered the sky and filtered out the sunlight so that everything looked like an old faded photo from the old west. the sun was a brillant orange circle that hung in the brown sky. it was like a different world. small white and black flakes rained down and speckled everything in our backyard.

it was defiently an intresting day....

:: didi 9:33 PM [+] ::
:: Monday, October 20, 2003 ::
i spent the weekend in vegas for quyen's bday. needless to say, it was a great time. i'm sticking to the "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas" rule...but...really not too terribly controversial happend. and really...i only kinda remember 40% of the weekend. highlights and lessons learned on the trip:

- don't stand/sit next to ht when ucla wins a game
- just cause there's 14 secs left in a game and ucla is up by 8 points....doesn't mean it's in the bag
- 151 doesn't smell good when you are hung over
- maybe eating breakfast for every meal isn't the best idea
- makali caulkin makes 15 dollar bets
- if you what to know how to get kicked out of c2k (vegas 2k1) or rum jungle (vegas 2k3) i can tell you
- dido is actually really good and not just lame chick music
- castle bugers are not that great (no matter how cheap they are)
- no more vietnamese ice coffee

all in all...it was a good trip. despite what happend, i am just greatful that i have very loyal and caring friends that i can trust my life with. so happy birthday quyen.... welcome to the mid-20s.... hehe

in any case, we listened to the new dido cd all weekend. it's actually really good. i'm not really into that kinda music....like female artists and senstive music. but the white flag song really hit me....she has a way of singing of very complicated and often sad emotions and situations, but her voice is so sweet and charming that it sounds like something beautiful. in any case...i bought her cd today. i'm really enjoying it. it reminds me of my poetry...but only much better :)

:: didi 5:44 PM [+] ::
:: Wednesday, October 15, 2003 ::
she fell asleep a bit ago
curled up out of site
no one saw her sleeping
as they walked past her in the night
she laid there small and silent
as the cold air touched her skin
but she didn't feel breeze of evening
slowly creeping in
the world went on without her
no one stopped or wondered why
this small girl was sleeping
despite the rise of morning's light

but she laid there dreaming
of what her world could be
a dream of love and lovers
that she could only see
a place were she lived forever
and she and he would be
a place where things stayed constant
away from reality

outside the world changed in slendor
as each day the skies changed hues
people learned and flowers bloomed
and children even grew
waves crashed and shaped the beaches
and artists crafted pain
lovers found each other
and sometimes parted ways
a thousand lands existed
and travelers found their way
as memories where created
and thought upon in later days

but still she laid there dreaming
of something in her mind
a few conjured images
kept her left behind

:: didi 4:04 PM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, October 14, 2003 ::
wow...it's been a long time. i feel like if i start blogging it'll be because i have alternative motives....not because i really want to....but because i want a certain person to read it. it's lame i know.

i mean seriously, what does it matter? who really reads this...and whoever does read it...do you even care? yeah i didn't think so. i mean i think a blog is cool...if you are like rich and famous or something. but i'm just me...i go through my life making bad choices and not really accomplishing anything. i've always been like this..and i doubt anything is going to change me. i was reading some old emails to a friend today...and reread some past blogs. i use to be extremely open with my feelings and emotions. i know in the past few months, i've been very cautious of being emotional. i think it's because i get punished for it some how....i get told not to be so emotional. so then i change to hold back what i feel and not talk about it. to not be honest with my emotions. but in the end that doesn't work either...because then things get held back and not talked about until finally things are so out of control that i don't even know where it all started and when it all ended. maybe i'm using this blog to begin expressing my emotions and feelings once again. it'll be good...cause it's not directed to a particular person, but just in general. it'll allow me to find my voice once again and show me how to use it.

ALOT has happend since last i blogged. i lived it and i don't really want to relive it again here.

i turned 25. that was depressing and hard to deal with. many people gave me little tid bits of advice...."you're still young"...."you need to start thinking about the future"...."you shouldn't waste your time on things that aren't part of your future"....blah blah blah blah....i'm not too excited about this new age. if you guys are readers of this blog...or if you just know me really well, you know my theory....the odd years are the worst. and this my friends...is no exception. 25 hasn't been filled with the most stellar of experiences yet. hopefully things will change for the better and soon.

anyway...i took some time out today to do a little writing. i hope you like it.

i tried to hold a dying dove
tired to make it mine
i held it in my hands so tight
and kept it warm at night
i fed it seeds and watched it drink
and hoped he'd soar and fly
then i could say with adoring pride
it was my love that gave it flight
my life would then have meaning
as i willed death to be alive
and forever this dove would love me
because together we lived one life

:: didi 5:43 PM [+] ::

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